Lately I feel like I don't understand anything about how the world works.
I went back to OKCupid to see if there was someone else I could write to. Ah, here's a suitable candidate, but his profile doesn't say much- perhaps I'll look at his answers to the personality questions. Has done drugs in the past, has been in a threesome? Perhaps not who I'm looking for.
I see quite a lot of people on OKC who are into the kinkier sex stuff and it always surprises me. The world seems a lot more complicated and even a little scarier after I'm exposed to stuff like that. Is it really as common as all that?
Do you ever look at the people around and try to guess when they lost their virginity, or try to imagine them having sex? I can't do it. My life is so asexual that I can't imagine ordinary people having sex as part of their lives. I guess it can be reversed- everybody assumes everybody else is like them. I'm not sure anybody looks at me and guesses I'm (practically) virgin.
I got another little job today- just a two week gig. Hourly pay is less than half of what I used to get.
Ugh. I'm feeling very low right now. The strain of not working and not finding a relationship is really getting to me. I'm employed now, but it's such crummy pay it hurts to have to accept the job and be grateful for it.
And from facebook I can see that several friends have broken up with their significant others, in the time after Walrus and I broke up, and have moved on and found new people. Meanwhile, I went on three dates in eight months. Even Walrus found somebody. Why don't I meet people?
What is wrong with me? What is wrong with me? LIKE A BROKEN RECORD.
I should explain that just now I decided to write to Newfie. I talked to Instafriend; she suggested I say something like 'I am getting platonic vibes from you and I just want to check if that's what you're sending out before I end this budding relationship.' She said a guy once asked her out and there was no physical contact for a month and she ended it, but later found out he was waiting for clear permission from her, which she thought she was signalling.... And friend in the North said she had a boyfriend that wouldn't kiss her until she put his arm around her on the 4th date.
But, I didn't write any of that. I started to...or then I thought I'd invite him to something specific, and if he turned it down without offering an alternative, I'd know. But I just wrote 'I finished that book you bought me. I liked it. Thanks for coming out to the 'burbs on Sunday. Not sure it was a runaway success but I hope you got something out of it.'
Hey, can you say, 'passive'? I really didn't risk exposing myself at all there...
And facebook has a little checkmark by it to say he's read it- although I suspect that checkmark thing doesn't always work accurately. I think if I look at the message again before the recipient gets it, it gets checked off.
But if he did read it and didn't even write back, then that's pretty crummy.
(What was life like before the internet anyways?)
Right. So at the moment, feeling I've been rejected, although I'm not sure, but am pretty sure. And maybe that's okay, since he couldn't be bothered to dance with me at fun outdoor music festival on a sunny afternoon. But what did I do wrong?
wrong wrong wrong. it feels like everybody else is playing by rules I don't understand.
I googled 'second date' and 'third date' to see what was supposed to be happening at each point. It just made me more overwhelmed.
There is nothing wrong with you. I think the biggest difference between you and some other people in the dating world is that some other people are more focussed on pursuing what they want, and more willing to take risks. I really dislike Instafriend's suggested message - it's heavily loaded in favour of "I don't think you like me. You don't like me, right?" Your message is not harmful like that, but not that helpful either. Imagine if he'd sent it to you - you'd be confused, right? Trying to figure out whether he sounded interested or not?
ReplyDeleteMy advice: first decide whether you want a third date with him. I think you weren't quite sure yourself when you sent that message, and that ambivalence comes across. I'd say tell yourself Yes until and unless you're sure that it's a No. You don't have to decide whether you want to be with him forever - just whether you want to try a third date. Then, if you're prepared to say Yes to wanting a third date, let that guide your actions.
I think there are two possibilities with him: either he's not that into you, or he's awkward. My approach would be to proceed as if option 2 is the case. Give him a bit of time to see if he replies to your message (he needs thinking time, right? You do too sometimes, right?) and if not, maybe you could invite him on a third date, maybe even using the words Third Date, and maybe try to somehow tell him that it's OK to hug and stuff. If he turns out not to be interested, you'll feel awkward/embarrassed/rejected for a bit, but that's part of the dating game. Like I said, the "more successful" people get shot down sometimes too, but they're prepared to take that risk. You will survive.
I guess my comment may sound critical in some parts, but I also think you can congratulate yourself - you wrote to this guy first, which is a great step forwards; you went on two dates; this is all progress. This (dating/finding a relationship) will take work, and you've done some work - that's good! (And congrats on the job too - better than nothing even if not ideal.) Now time for some more work I'm afraid.
As for Newfie, ask yourself: would I rather risk being rejected, or risk never knowing whether he might have liked me? When I was learning the ropes of dating I got rejected plenty of times. I hardly ever think of those times now. Instead, when I do think back, I think of one captivating woman who I should have asked out but didn't.
Instafriend's actual words were a lot more positive than my paraphrasing...but I can see how that approach could set things up negatively.
ReplyDeleteI think at this point I'll just wait. I expect some sort of follow-up message from him within a few days; I mean, that's what I think is the polite thing to do.
I do wish I'd said I had a good time or something more positive. However, I can't take back my lame-o message and I don't want to send multiple messages when I know he has a busy week.
I really need to show more enthusiasm on dates, after dates. I'm way too subtle.
This experience has revealed some deep-down ideas of gender roles. I wrote to him, but I wanted him to take over after that.
I would do a third date, but there is some ambivalence now. He lost big points for not initiating a hug, but I could have hugged him first, to show it was ok.
When I googled 'third date', one of the sites said dating is the first 3 dates, after that it's a relationship. I just panicked, because you have to get it right each time, have to progress along all the steps tickety-boo, or you blow your chances. I'm sure there are people who have had a bad date and tried again and their relationship didn't suffer from it.
More risks, more work, more rejection. Nothing else left to do!
Fair point on the not-sending-multiple-messages front. But yes, I think it sounds good to show more enthusiasm, and these days I think women tend to have some involvement in initiation and stuff. It's still probably not 50/50 on average but maybe 70/30.
ReplyDeleteThese sites with their dating rules... I would take it all with a large pinch of salt. It's different every time. In my current relationship, the first date went pretty well, the second went a bit less well and I wasn't sure whether there would be a third (but then she asked me, which was nice.) Fourth was better, fifth was mixed... I think after 8/9 dates we said we wouldn't see other people (not that we had been, but we hadn't committed not to either) and that's still not quite the same as a "relationship" - I'd say that was more like 12-15 dates in. Most people don't score top points on every meet-up, but if the other person quite likes you they'll let you off a few mis-steps.
"When I googled 'third date', one of the sites said dating is the first 3 dates, after that it's a relationship."
ReplyDeleteDon't use that as a basis for how you're supposed to date. Different people flow in different ways. There's no right or wrong way of doing it.
I should explain that the particular site defined relationship in a bigger way- 'two people who have expectations of each other', which after three dates I guess you start to have. It didn't mean you had to have sex, or be exclusive or anything, just that after three dates you're not strangers.
ReplyDeleteAnd it's still just advice from the internet, which one can still take with a grain of salt.
Unfortunately, there is no book, guide or answer booklet to life (romantic situations included). If there ever was, life would have been wrinkle-free and everything would just run smoothly and identically, every time.
ReplyDeleteReading your post, it seems as if you are stressing yourself out over all kinds of thoughts of what could have potentially gone wrong. But relax! It's the dating game: sometimes it will work, sometimes it will lag, and every time you will learn something new and get more and more used and accustomed to generally dealing with people. Don't concentrate exclusively on Newfie either - for some reason, I am sure things are not as bad with him and you as you are imagining, but you must always have other options! Another good idea would be to sit down, and on paper actually write a kind of verbal "portrait" of your ideal match - this way, you will be clearer about what you want or do not want in the relationship - will make searching on OKCupid and the like easier too!
Best of luck!
Elf