Living With Mom

I've got bronchitis or something and am miserable.  I haven't left the house in three days which usually makes me broody (Is that the right word?  I just looked it up- it means oppressive, contemplative, and wanting to hatch eggs or have a baby.  I'm leaving it.) 
I'm also doing a lot of sewing and I have a deadline, so that's not helping, as it is repetitive, labour intensive and frustrating.
My brother came over tonight and the conversation touched on a lot of 'issues' in my life.  I think throughout the visit I was at times negative or withdrawn.  I could probably write two or three posts about the topic of 'negativity'....  It's one of those vicious cycle thingies:  feel down, say negative things, damage relationships, feel worse....I just want a hug and a good cry and I've got nobody to talk to except whoever is reading this anonymous online blog.
Alright, that's enough of a lead-up. 
Since my brother and his girlfriend are expecting, there was naturally discussion about babies.  He said they were planning to have another one at some point.  (It is totally weird to see my brother all domestic, and wearing nice office clothes too.  Gah, everyone gets so boring.)  My mother said he could have more, since I wasn't going to have any.   Then she told the story she always tells about David Suzuki (Canadian environmentalist) being criticized for having 5 children when the earth is overpopulated, and his reply being that smart people better have children because stupid people sure as hell are going to. 
Later, my mother said if she won the lottery, she and I could move to a certain neighbourhood we like.  I rather hope I won't be living with her beyond next year, lottery or no lottery.  Maybe some of my siblings and their progeny would take up the offer.

I should also explain that, at the moment at least, I am very worried about the environment and consumerism and want to give up all my worldly possessions except for my computer, books and art supplies (so in essence, nothing.)  I think winning the lottery is gross.

Anyways, 'stuff' seemed to be the theme of the evening.  I think we started talking about my sister's cats, which is a whole 'nother rant, and about all the stuff in the basement.  Mom and I share a 2000 square foot house and use about half of it, now that my sister's moved out.  We never really moved in, still have boxes and boxes.  My mom is perhaps a borderline hoarder...she's said things like 'organization is just an excuse to sell you rubbermaid totes and baskets' and 'if I want to keep stuff in a box and look at it every five years, well that's up to me.'  She's also taken the complete opposite viewpoint and calculated how much of the value of the house is being used to store junk. 

I don't know if she was always this way, but for the past ten years, it's been an issue we tiptoe around.  I'm always accused of throwing out her stuff when she's not around.  I actually rarely rarely do that- it's always been a house rule that you don't touch other people's stuff.  But just from the way she talks about my role to her friends, it's almost like she wants me to get rid of stuff for her because she knows she can't. 

I once tried to give away an old Fisher Price airport playset and she would't let me.  I got angry and said she could find a place to keep it and left it in the hallway.  (I should explain it was a large object and we had decided to keep the matching house, farm and garage playsets.  At that time there were no young children in the family)  That airport toy stayed in the hallway for a year and a half. 

It's very stressful to me to try and organize things so that I can live my life, and so we won't get drowned, and guessing how much change she can handle.  We've lived in this house four years and she hasn't painted anything, changed the curtains, bought new furniture, even hung a single painting to make it her own.  She's done this for years.  It took her five years to buy a new couch. 

My dad and my mom divorced a few years ago. My dad just up and left one Saturday.  I was at work and my sister was away camping.  (My brother was studying abroad.)  I came home and had to deal with my mom by myself.   On Sunday I left her alone for a while and she told me she had blacked out.  My sister and I had to take shifts for two weeks keeping an eye on her.  My dad had been planning it for a while.  I think he had a girlfriend, actually.  I didn't speak to him for a year.  My mom went to counselling.  I remember she came home just furious one day because the therapist had told her she was making herself a victim.  Mom did have enough energy to get a lawyer and fight for Dad's money, which I supported.  Eventually she quit her horrible horrible job that we'd all been telling her to quit for years and for several years she just did nothing.  She joined some clubs, dated a bunch of men that all seemed to be named David, and bought a new house.  That seemed to take up all of her energy.   All the junk from the old house got moved with us.

Now she's gone back to school, and is almost done a second bachelors degree.  (She's in sciences, and needed to update.)  She's thinking about doing a masters.  She's still dawdling, although I know she works hard in school and as hard as it is to believe, is organized and efficient.  Apparently that's how she was at work too.  It's just household stuff she has no interest in.  She has an active social life, but when she's not doing those things, she just gets so passive.  She spends a lot of time reading murder mysteries (always set in medieval times, who knew there were so many), doing crosswords, and playing computer solitaire on the easiest settings.  She spoils my dog, and doesn't see how fat he's getting.  She's on delayed reaction to emergencies...
There's so much work to be done in the house that I'm overwhelmed.  She found a leak under the kitchen sink and didn't even tell me for days.  It turned out to be the dishwasher, and it still hasn't been fixed.
I worry about her.  She's lost so much weight.  Sometimes she eats nothing but crackers and cheese.  To the outside world, I think she seems a lot more put together....
I feel like my brother and sister are both starting new families and have their own problems, and I'll be left looking after mom.  All the stuff in the house seems to be symbolic- my dad, brother and sister all started new lives and dumped a pile of crap (and two cats) in mom's basement.  My mother has never lived alone her whole life....How will she do on her own?  And who's going to keep the dog?  I just want to get the house in order so I can leave with a clear conscience.
I've probaby made myself out to be this dutiful daughter, but I'm always leaning on Mom for help.  I clean, but I don't usually grocery shop, and seldom cook.  I don't pay rent and lately I've been using her car more than she does.  I've been so sick lately, and able to do less and less....
Argh.