Dear Someone,
I sometimes forget that you are a living breathing person. Here I am longing for a boyfriend without really getting what that means. I have so little understanding of men, never had a lot of male friends. I just want generic "geeky-but-cool-male-archetype", I want all my check-boxes of must-have-in-a-boyfriend traits ticked off....but I'm going to be surprised when I meet you. I can't imagine you because you're a idiosyncratic quirky complicated person just like me and in a million years I'll never figure you out.
I think meeting you and discovering all your unexpected weirdness is going to be amazing. I just need to remember that when I'm looking though the Catalog of Boyfriends (aka OKCupid). Maybe I won't give you a chance over some dumb little thing.
It's because I'm scared.
I've got a lot to figure out and a lot of growing up to do. My values are changing and it's making me overzealous- hopefully I'll mellow out a bit. But there's something deeper. I'm shy and have few friends. I don't often get attention from men, and love--only once. Years of wondering what's wrong with me have eaten a hole in my heart. I don't like myself no matter how much I try, because other people don't seem to like me.
I don't want to be like this. Sometimes I don't think love and sex are ever going to be a part of my life, and no one among my friends and family seems to expects them to happen to me either. I put on an act of blushes and helplessness, but I feel bitterness, jealousy, despair. The innocent cynic, that's me.
Oh I wouldn't ever really tell you this, would I? What's your past? Are you as inexperienced as me or are you a divorced father of two? It might not be something you'd understand then. Are you with someone right now or are you lonely? Longing for your somebody....oh it's too cheesy! The idea that someone is out there longing for me! Can I really make someone happy?
Darling I would try. If I cry in your arms, it's because I'm more grateful to you than you will ever know. Errr.... sex is going to be an issue and I'm going to need some extra patience and support from you. Are you sure you know what you're getting into?
goodnight my someone. all my love.
I think it sounds like you've got quite a good idea of how it feels to get to know someone. I think your time with Walrus means there's no need to label yourself as hugely inexperienced.
ReplyDeleteI didn't realise that you don't like yourself (maybe you only feel that way some of the time) - there's plenty to like about you, and I certainly think you could make someone happy, because it seemed like you were trying with Walrus but he wasn't really in the right place to be receptive. I think it would be good for you to have someone who won't let you go into mothering mode or preach at them too much because they'll be centred and confident enough to tell you nicely to snap out of it.
I think you can find someone - it may take a lot of work, but most people have something which is harder for them than for the average person. Some people struggle with maths or with controlling their temper or whatever. You can win your struggles, but you need to be on your side. Tell yourself that you're awesome in your own ways and you can find ways to take steps towards your goal. Hell, you already did - there's a big difference between your relationship history now and your history pre-Walrus. You made that jump before and you can make it again!
I guess I like myself some of the time, but no work and no love---it's a recipe for depression. I'm doing okay, I get up every day and try and push myself to get things done and try new things. I think the not-liking myself is just under the surface. I didn't even realize it until recently. But it is pretty hard to think you're swell when nobody wants to kiss you. It just is!
ReplyDeleteI'm not this preachy in real life! You guys get the worst of it because I can say things here and try out what I'm thinking about all the new things I'm thinking about.
I'll be okay, I just have to hang on a little while longer.
I wasn't trying to accuse you of being too preachy - I was just trying to say that I think it's good to acknowledge and accept who you are and look for someone who will be a good fit, rather than trying to change yourself into someone else.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure there are plenty of guys who want to kiss you - it's just a question of finding the right guy who you want to kiss too. Everyone has the problem of trying to find a match because the majority of the population are not a match for each of us. That's why I'm a big fan of trying out more dates to search through more possibilities!