Monday 25 February 2013

All the things happen. (and a TMI section.)

Did I only meet him yesterday?  This is going to be a long week....

Woke up this morning to find that Walrus had texted me at 1am to let me know he had bought eco-friendly cat litter. Good to know.

Then Walrus and I had a text discussion about the Oscars.  I thought the host's jokes were very offensive to everyone but white men.  He thought it was no big deal.  Oh, before that I simply said, 'Thanks for giving me space.  I'm ok now' and he said 'Good to hear it, did you watch the Oscars?'
Same as it ever was.
The offensive/not-offensive debate sorta summed up how he deals with other people's feelings.  The jokes weren't offensive to him, and so anybody who did take offense was overreacting.

In the afternoon I heard back from one of last week's interviews.  I was offered a job working with kids and I took it, although it is only part-time.

Saw Walrus at meditation class and was absolutely calm.  Just have let go of all emotions around him.

Newfie has added me on facebook and has just written me a message right now.
I have thought about him all day. I really want to see him again.

And now for too much information....my body is being weird and I need female advice.

.

.

.
.

My body does this weird thing.  Sometimes when I think about sex, my abdomen tightens up.  Like as if my uterus is being squeezed.  It's always very quick, a mix of pleasure and pain.
When it happens I talk to my body in my mind: 'Sorry, stuff down there!  I know what you want, but when you had the chance, you didn't co-operate, did you?'

The first time it happened I was completely taken by surprise "What in the hell was that?"

It doesn't happen often, once, twice a month.  I have to be thinking about sex in a certain way.  Not fantasies- I've seen sexy scenes in movies, and erotic images, and feel nothing.  No, it has to be a more realistic scene than that- in fact, it's simply the thought that I might actually be having sex at some point in the future, and me believing it.

I'm pretty sure these squeezes didn't start happening until after I had some sexual experience- before that sex was a remote a possibility as a trip to the moon.
It's really a bizarre feeling.  Does this happen to other women?
Because today it has happened almost every time I think about Newfie.  I'm not even thinking that far ahead!  I haven't even hugged him.  But reading his answers to the sex questions on the dating site brought the issue to the forefront, where it was quickly repressed.  I spent an uneasy hour pondering my sexual morality and have to admit I have no idea what I think about this stuff.  I think I'm fairly vanilla but who knows?  I might have some kinks I haven't had a chance to discover.  I'm still working on the basic physical act.

Sexual awakenings - pretty sure they're usually awkward, and I'm way overdue...
I'd like to be a healthy adult mammal now.

Well this is all rather overwhelming.






Sunday 24 February 2013

I think that went well

This morning I was so nervous I had an upset stomach.  The designated meeting spot was a long ways out.  My friend was on the same bus as me and I never noticed; I was in such a daze.  We only saw each other getting off the bus...

I was in the coffee shop early.  It was pouring rain.  He came in and greeted me and ordered his drink right away.  I felt so shy but he launched into 'Why haven't we met yet?' and conversation went fairly smoothly from there, for two introverts.  I used my shy voice a bit.
Went to two used book stores.  The game was that we were to buy each other a book. I found mine easily.  He took a while to decide, and couldn't find the ones he had in mind.  There was a lot of talk of 'I'll lend you this and that book' and 'you'll have to see my library sometime'.  You know, like it was guaranteed we would see other again.
Used book stores are great but you have to split up to really look at the books.  After a while we found ourselves chatting in front of the cookbooks and not really looking at books at all.
It had been three hours.  I still would have spent longer with him but he seemed to be indicating it was time to go home. He took the bus with me and asked if I was free next weekend to do something.  I said yes.
I am very excited.  It wasn't a perfect instant connection but it was a lot easier than the first dates with Walrus. I found that I wanted to stand very close to Newfie.  I thought the back of his head was adorable.
Not sure if there is a sex fiend (see previous post) lurking inside this mild-mannered young man.  We shall see....

Saturday 23 February 2013

Psyching myself out

I am very excited about meeting Newfie but I should just stay off the internet.  I found his meetup profile and he's in two singles groups, so obviously searching quite seriously.
But not, it seems, for love.
I just now decided to look at his profile again to think of things to talk about tomorrow.  I looked at 'The Two of Us' tab which compares our answers to personality questions.
To 'What are you most interested in right now?' - he said 'sex.'  I said 'love'.
He said 'Yes' to 'Would you dump someone for being bad at sex?'  I said 'No.'
He wanted his forever partner to be the 'best sex of his life' and eep-  was 'very interested' in group sex.

Ugh.  Internet dating.  I don't want to know all this stuff before I meet the guy.  Now I'm convinced I'm going to be rejected.  Not that this will come up the first date, I hope, but it will be in the back of my mind.

HUGE MEGA INSECURITIES ABOUT SEX AND NOT BEING DESIRABLE/EXPERIENCED ALL RISING AND GIVING ME TUMMYACHE.

Friday 22 February 2013

Is it Sunday yet?

Bumpy week.

Two job interviews.  One went well but it's not a great job.  The other was ridiculous.  It was to teach summer camps for kids- something I'd swore I'd never do again.  It was a group interview- 70+ young hopefuls in a gym.  We had to wear numbers on our backs like marathon runners.  People with clipboards observed us playing group games.  I should have walked out.  Extroverts- sheesh!  I just don't shine in that kind of situation because loud people take over.  What a humiliating way to do an interview.

Saw Walrus at choir.  Avoided him.  Felt wobbly.  I wasn't sure what I was going to do.  I wanted to confront him but it didn't feel like the time or place.  As for him apologizing to me- ha!  I wasn't going to hold my breath.  I had brought his much belated Christmas present with me.  Wasn't sure of my motivation but wanted it out of my house.  A friend from choir (I believe I might have nicknamed her Instafriend previously) encouraged me to just give it to him so I did.  He liked it and asked if I was okay and I said, 'yeah sort of'.
He gave me an awkward hug that I didn't much participate in and made small talk about his cat.  I just stood there in a daze.  Then he moved to put away his chair and I left with Instafriend.  She thinks I need to say something about what a jerk he was.

I sent Newfie a link to my art portfolio and he replied very enthusiastically and made it clear he is excited to meet me.  This is a very weird feeling for me.  Bubbly bubbly hope.  It almost aches.  Two more days until we meet.


Tuesday 19 February 2013

A New Hope

Ugh.  Emotional hangover.
In a way, Walrus letting his jerk flag fly was the perfect cure.  I'm not crying today. Mad feels better than sad.  I think I'll just let things be for now.  Maybe there will be another blow-out at choir in a few days, maybe he'll have calmed down.  Either way, the friendship is pared back to basic civilities indefinitely.

Good news- I will be meeting OKC guy on the weekend.  We are going used book store browsing.
His nickname, for now at least, will be Newfie.

Thank you everyone for your comments.  I find them very helpful.

Monday 18 February 2013

It all comes out.

It's all out, and I can't put it back.
Walrus sent me a text asking what time our meditation class was.  He can check this on facebook, but he's either too lazy or was just trying to engage me in conversation.  I told him.
A little while later, I thought about it and added 'But I don't think I'll go.'
Him: No?
Me: I'm not sure.
Him:  Why not?
Me: I'm not feeling too Zen.

Then all of a sudden he got really combative. "Normally I'd bullbait you but I don't feel the need to fight anymore"

I stared at that, trying to figure out what he meant.  I was thinking about Captain Awkward, and trying not to send FEELINGSTEXT.  Finally, I said, 'My feelings are my problem- I need some time.'  Notice how I never said I was upset about him.  I was, but he assumed it was so.
He said, 'yeah yeah.  You get on with your Euripides drama.'

Me:  You don't have to be mean.

(By this time, I've slipped away to my room, sobbing, leaving Mom to watch the nephew.  My sister arrives to pick up her child and I can hear Mom telling her I worked seven out of the last eight days and am napping.  Later, she tells my sister I skipped my community leadership class claiming I was sick (it was scheduled for the one day I didn't work this week) and how I take too many sick days with my volunteering and if I don't like volunteering it would be better to just quit than to do it uncommittedly.  All of this just added to the misery.)

I cry for a bit.  After a while he writes, "I have no patience for unnecessary drama."  I said, " 'Not feeling too zen' isn't that dramatic a statement.  Do you want to talk this out now or are we too keyed up?"

He said, let's talk.  I said, where do we start?
'I don't know, it's your drama.'

I said, "Yeah I guess, but why not ignore me?  I asked for space and you contacted me.  You were my first breakup, you know.  If I needed to have a little sulk, I should have kept it to myself, but I guess it got out.  Hearing the news from you would have made it easier, but I don't have to make this 'all about me' either'"

"Excuse me for not sending you daily letters on my minutiae."
(Ha!  You readers know Walrus sends extremely boring texts about all the mundane details of his life, and has never breathed a word about new girlfriend. I started to respond to that, but thought better of it)

Instead I said, "You're still mad."
"No, I just think the whole thing is absurd, but keep going."

"I'd rather not."
"Fine then."

But I did keep going.  "Walrus- I didn't think it was absurd that you were upset by Evil Ex's text message two years after she left you."

"She sent it to antagonize me"

I ignore that and continue. "We're friends now and we agreed we'd both move on."
"Yes, I recall you made a comment about dating other people"

"So now that time has come and I find I have some emotions to work through. I can't help it."

"I've moved on.  I don't see why this should matter to you or why you need to be weird about it."

(Again, reminded of a Captain Awkward column where she pointed out that women are considered 'emotional' when they are sad or crying, but men tend to get angry and aggressive, and yet that's not considered 'emotional'.  Am I the only one who thinks he was also getting weird?  Fine, I realize I don't want to be crazy-ex who can't let go.  Fine, we've been broken up almost as long as we dated.  I am trying to keep things under control but this is a new experience for me and it really would have been nice to have been told in person.  I didn't say any of this.)

I said, 'Because my journey is different from yours.'

'Fair enough, just don't let it get messy.'

Me: 'Too late, I think.'

Him: 'It's okay.'  (He was almost being nice again!)

Me:  'Now what?'

Him:  'I take a shower and you try and deal with your emotions in a way that doesn't disturb others.'

Me:  'I didn't want to tell you any of this.  I just wanted to deal with it myself.'

Him:  'And yet here we are.'

Me: 'Have fun at class tonight'


So, I think that's the end of the friendship.  It probably was never healthy for me anyways.  Please tell me- should I be embarrassed by this conversation?  I wish we'd never had it, but I was trying to stay rational.



Sunday 17 February 2013

So it goes

Mini updates
Even though I said I'd contact him when I was ready, last night Walrus sent me an apology email- a silly youtube video and one sentence explaining how the silly video was in fact related to his apologies.  A bit frustrating but at least he did understand that he had hurt me.

I sent back "I needed to be told because our friendship is going to change now"
Walrus: "I honestly don't perceive how it's changed."
Me:  "Because most people are uncomfortable with their partner being friends with his/her ex.  It's only natural that we drift apart now."
Walrus:  "I talked to her and she's okay with it."
Me:  "Then I'll stop over-reacting.  Do what feels right and I will take my cues from you.  Will she come to choir?"
Walrus:  "She lives in (another town) and only comes on weekends."

How mixed up I am.  Crying over that conversation and yet bubbly and hopeful at the latest message from OKC guy.  (Conversation going well, but no talk of a meeting yet.  Only that I asked him a question about a adventure he'd had, and he said it's a story that needs wild arm gestures so he's saving it for later.)  I think I will ask him to meet me in the next message.

must. not. put. all. eggs. in. this. basket.  I will be crushed if he doesn't like me, and it's taken on a new urgency with the whole Walrus dating thing.

Had a really fun day today- took a large puppet to a festival and all the kids wanted to touch it.

Saturday 16 February 2013

Sobfest

Well it's confirmed.
Walrus sent some of his usual mundane texts about setting up the new apartment and I wasn't answering.  Finally I wrote, 'Can I ask you something?'
"Sure, go for it?"
"Are you dating again?"
"Yes"
"oh."
"Does that upset you?"
"Seems to, yes. Why didn't you say something?"

He sputtered something about not thinking I'd be upset.  I explain that finding out on fb on Valentine's was not how I wanted to hear the news. He apologizes.
Long pause from me, as I am crying.

"You should have said something.  I wish you every happiness.  I'll contact you when I'm ready."

"Thank you.  You're right, I should have said something."

I cry on the couch. My dog starts barking and trying to lick me.  I have a shower, and cry loudly.  Dog stands in the bathroom and barks.

I don't really know why I'm so hurt.  What exactly is my role to him?
Is this how men do relationships?  Throughout the friendship stage, he's seemed completely over the breakup, ignored any of my sideways references to us as a couple and was surprised to find I still had sore spots around it. It was as if it had never happened for him.  So, is this him being emotionally clueless or do men really function completely differently than women?

He never could get that it was hard for me to listen to him talk about Evil Ex.  Sure wouldn't want to bring that up with New Girl, so let's text Eleanor!

Fucking fuckhead.

I keep wondering what I did wrong.  But I know what I did wrong- I wanted him to quit smoking and drinking and eating unhealthy food.  I wanted him to recycle and show up on time.  I was critical.
At the same time, I just wanted him to...touch me and communicate with me, and it wasn't happening, and neither of us were having fun.

I keep going down my list of complaints.  Damn you, Walrus!  I picked you up drunk in the middle of the night on New Year's!  I paid your phone bill!  I tried to be good to you.

Then I get to feel like the wronged party, the blameless.

But I still feel like a loser.  Strokey didn't want me, so who will?  Because, deep inside, I worry it's because we never had sex.

I'm glad I wrote to that OKC guy, because without that spark of hope, this week would have been a lot harder to take.  I can feel like I'm moving on too, almost at the same time.  (Just wish I'd got there first.  Well I did go on one lousy date in the fall, does that count?)

I'm scared though.  If someone's interested, will they still like me after they find out I live at home, I don't have a steady income, I haven't dated much, and the big one- I'm having trouble with sex.  Oh, and I don't think I can have children.  What a catch!
I'm so insecure about this stuff.  Sometimes I'd rather not risk being rejected so I just don't try.  I'm trying to overcome that but....

Realization: I don't picture myself in a long-term relationship.  I simply can't imagine it.  Obviously it must be true that I don't have whatever it takes to maintain one or it would have happened by now, like it happened to everyone else.  Who would want to spend a lifetime with me?  I've never been that special to anyone.  Don't even have a best friend.

I really want this OKC guy to like me.  (He needs a nickname.)  He seems to have his shit together- a Master's degree, a job, a busy life.  We seem to have the same idea of fun, and similar values.  I don't see any reason why we wouldn't get along.  He would be good for me, he seems more positive than I am, and he likes to see concerts and shows and I don't do enough of that.. and yet I worry that I'm not good enough.  Oh please like me, oh please let me have something resembling a healthy relationship that lets me grow...

sorry for this sadfest. I really have to get used to rejection I suppose.  real rejection, on top of a lifetime of waiting for signs of interest...



Thursday 14 February 2013

Salt in my Wounds

Happy You-know-what Day.

Sigh.  Least favourite holiday.  My mom sometimes gets me chocolate.  It's embarrassing, but at least I get chocolate!  She didn't this year.

Today's been pretty crappy.  The five day gig I'm doing is a gong show.  I'm making the best of it, but they've got me outside in a tent and today it was cold and wet.  I made my mother pick me up.  I'm still shivering a bit and I've been home for an hour!  I'm exhausted.  One more day to go.

My dog's got an upset stomach tonight, to top it all off.  He had an accident in the house while my mom was out picking me out.  Great.  Mom's going out, so I'll stay home and watch the sick dog.  What, the cable's not working again?  I spent half an hour on the phone with the cable company yesterday getting that fixed.

So far, a fabulous day.

I think I'm going to have a cry when Mom leaves and I'm alone in the house.
You see, I just looked at facebook and got some big news.  Oh facebook, you are so often hurtful.
Walrus posted two things - one in French, which I got Google to translate- something about 'Today I have a princess to mend my broken heart.'  The other one read 'Happy Valentine's Day, (tagged name of girl I don't know)  you are my favourite.'

Oh.

Well, thanks for giving me the heads up Walrus.  I would have said something to you, if I had a new person, and we could have talked about what our friendship would look like in the future.

Only two days ago, Walrus was texting me because Evil Ex sent him a weird message about being 'still invested' in his recovery, and it really upset him.  I tried to be sympathetic but quickly bowed out of the conversation.

I wonder if he's jumped the gun a little because he's still hurting over Evil Ex- he talked about kissing me and used the 'L' word before we met, and was 'in a relationship' on facebook after a few dates...This new girl might not be on board.  I wasn't.

It doesn't matter.  Why should I say such things?  If he was good enough for me, he's good enough for some other girl.  If she can put up with having to pay for everything and him being an hour late for everything, she can have him!

Poor Walrus.  He just wants someone to love him as he is.  I didn't.
But I was good to him, and a loyal friend.  I never got publicly thanked on facebook!  There's very little evidence of us as a couple on facebook, maybe none, which is how I wanted it, but now that I think of it, it's a little weird.  Anyways, I guess it's just ego.  I did want to be the princess who could help him rebuild but I wasn't.  I just got to be around for the difficult part.
The other day I thought about the weekend of the break-up.  Was he really lying in bed next to me looking at dating sites?  That is amazingly hurtful.  I'm not sure he was, but he didn't deny it.
None of this matters.  We tried, it didn't work, it's over, we still care about each other.  There are still sore spots apparently, and I've buried them in order to be friends with him.

How do I bring this up with him?  Him possibly having a new girl, I mean, not old wounds.
I am attempting to move forward myself, so I wish him luck.  I just think it has to be talked about if we're going to see each other once or twice a week.
He just texted me to say he wouldn't be at choir; I said me neither.  If I was supposed to ask why, I didn't take the bait.

The only thing that didn't suck about today is that my OKC guy wrote back (two days after I sent my message, so I was getting a bit anxious.)






Monday 11 February 2013

Two messages each now.  Subject matter is mostly the festival, since we both were very involved with it.  He wrote quite a long message about it.  He really does like this festival!  But he asks questions that keep the conversation going, too.
Now I feel bad for all those times I read someone's message and waited a few days to reply.  It really makes you anxious to wait for a response!  No more of that, I promise.
I really want this to go somewhere.

His profile has three pictures up- there's a girl in two of them.  Isn't it obvious that pictures from last relationship aren't helpful?  I wonder when they broke up.  I did not get the feeling he was single at the festival.  Don't want to be the 'rebound' if he's not over it.

Anyways.  Just keep it fun and don't worry about it.

In other news, this week is crazy busy for me.  5 day gig and extracurricular activities almost every evening and Saturday and then another gig Sunday.  At least I'll have money.

Still coughing, still anemic.

I've had two classes of community leadership training and the second class was a letdown.  Too basic, too simplified, not well facilitated.  It's not a good sign if the people teaching leadership aren't good leaders.  We had a group activity that was much too rushed and our group was getting tense.  I was not a good group member- another woman in the group has a strong personality and I didn't like her ideas but didn't have better ones so I was sulking and then later took over in the crunch to get things done, rather undiplomatically.
In fact, I can think of at least two other occasions recently when I was short with someone, or said something bluntly instead of lightly.  I don't want to be like this.  I need to learn to gently correct or guide people.  I can do it with kids.  I hope it's just my cold making me grumpy because I'm really not happy with my behavior this week.

In choir, someone announced their pregnancy and we sang a 'welcome to the world' song to her baby bulge. I had to stifle a gaspy sort of sob that just snuck up on me- either I'm jealous of her impending motherhood or I really believe humans have ruined the earth and that a child born now has a difficult future ahead of them.  




Saturday 9 February 2013

So far, so good

He wrote back.  Which is good, because in my head we're already married.
Ok, kidding.  But I did realize I approach online dating all wrong.  It's supposed to be a numbers game, just send out a lot of messages and get a handful of dates.  Just meet people until you find someone.

I, however, want to continue my high school pattern of crushing on someone and secretly stalking them without ever even talking to them.  Ha!
I do seem to want to put my energy into one SPECIAL person at a time, as if it were the real world.  Wrong approach, but hey, I crushed on Walrus and I got him.

Butterflies in the tummy this morning.

will update later!  Going to my leadership class this morning!  It's going well.

Thursday 7 February 2013

a little twinge...

So I was just looking at the eligible bachelors on OKCupid (in pre-Valentine's desperation) and I think I just got excited about someone.
I've haven't been on much lately, been busy, and when I do browse a bit, I end up discouraged because I don't see anyone I like.
Today I clicked on one of the matches OKC had suggested for me- and recognized him.  I did the festival internship last summer and he was heavily involved in the festival.  I'm not even sure we ever talked but he might recognize me.  From what I saw of him, he seemed cool.
He's two years younger than me, and I'd set my default search for guys 30-38.  (I'm 31.) So he wasn't coming up in my searches....
His profile had all my favourite things - introvert, politics, used bookstores, art, and a little shout-out for the environment, and obviously the festival.
I know, I know, I should just write to him.  But it's weird because I know who he is, I'm not sure if he knows who I am.  I suppose worrying about awkwardness (if he wasn't interested) at next year's festival is silly.  People ask out people they know all the time.
He's also looking for 'friends/activity partner' so I could take that angle.

I'm not doing anything about it tonight.  The dog got really sick last night and I didn't get any sleep.  (He's better today, but still not eating much.)

Oh Eleanor.  You're such a wimp.

Monday 4 February 2013

Goodnight My Someone

Dear Someone,
I sometimes forget that you are a living breathing person.  Here I am longing for a boyfriend without really getting what that means.  I have so little understanding of men, never had a lot of male friends.  I just want generic "geeky-but-cool-male-archetype", I want all my check-boxes of must-have-in-a-boyfriend traits ticked off....but I'm going to be surprised when I meet you. I can't imagine you because you're a idiosyncratic quirky complicated person just like me and in a million years I'll never figure you out.

I think meeting you and discovering all your unexpected weirdness is going to be amazing.  I just need to remember that when I'm looking though the Catalog of Boyfriends (aka OKCupid).  Maybe I won't give you a chance over some dumb little thing.

It's because I'm scared.

I've got a lot to figure out and a lot of growing up to do.  My values are changing and it's making me overzealous- hopefully I'll mellow out a bit.  But there's something deeper.  I'm shy and have few friends.  I don't often get attention from men, and love--only once.  Years of wondering what's wrong with me have eaten a hole in my heart.  I don't like myself no matter how much I try, because other people don't seem to like me.

I don't want to be like this.  Sometimes I don't think love and sex are ever going to be a part of my life, and no one among my friends and family seems to expects them to happen to me either.  I put on an act of blushes and helplessness, but I feel bitterness, jealousy, despair.  The innocent cynic, that's me.

Oh I wouldn't ever really tell you this, would I?  What's your past?  Are you as inexperienced as me or are you a divorced father of two?  It might not be something you'd understand then.  Are you with someone right now or are you lonely?  Longing for your somebody....oh it's too cheesy!  The idea that someone is out there longing for me!  Can I really make someone happy?

Darling I would try.  If I cry in your arms, it's because I'm more grateful to you than you will ever know.  Errr.... sex is going to be an issue and I'm going to need some extra patience and support from you.  Are you sure you know what you're getting into?

goodnight my someone.  all my love.

Friday 1 February 2013

Another collection of tidbits

1. I'm going to be on the radio!  Next week, I'm going to be interviewed about an art project I worked on.  I'm so terrified!

2.  Walrus is moved to his new place as of tomorrow.  You wouldn't believe the bureaucratic loops and nonsense he had to go through- he was on top of things and various government agencies screwed things up and then were rude to him.  But, he survived.  I haven't seen the new place yet.  I get updates from him throughout the day, but it's still a little weird to me that I'm not more involved in this big step for him.

3.  Happened to run into Walrus' friend- the one who was getting divorced and had a new girl on the other side of the world.  For some reason, he walked the way I was going and told me all about his love life.  His wife wouldn't let him 'touch' her for four years.  He showed me a package he was putting together to send to the new girl- complete with her name in bubble letters!  He said he talked to the new girl about 4 or five hours a day, either on the phone or texting.  Wow!
I mention this just because it was odd that he told me all this, and also I felt once more that Walrus and I weren't really in love.  Is that how it's supposed to be?

4.  Realizing that the two volunteer things I'm doing aren't really working for me.  One I might give more time, but really want to quit both.

5.  Someone wrote me a message on OKC that met my minimum standards for a message I would reply to (It actually mentioned several things in my profile and expressed a desire to meet me in a way that I could handle.)  Then I looked at the guy's profile and he mixed up "your" and "you're" several times and I didn't write back.
Am I being too picky?  I would look down on someone who didn't know basic grammar; I actually used the word 'illiterate' in my head.  Sigh....
Are all the good guys really taken?  If I want an tall environmentalist with a way with words, is that too much to ask?  Am I just looking for a male version of me?

6. I've got a cough that won't go away.  I'm not really sick, but not really well.  Tire easily and not getting a lot done.

7.  Have to get a PAP smear next week.  Ugh!  Why haven't I switched to a female doctor yet?  Better get a follow-up on this anemia as well.

8.  Been slacking a bit on keeping track of what I've been eating, although I have been eating fairly healthy (healthily?) even without the notebook.  I really should keep track of volunteering/artmaking/job search hours to see how much work I do in a week, and try and increase it.

9.  I'm really going crazy wishing, longing, yearning, hoping for my first love.  And a normal sex life.