1. Got new car, same model as the last one
2. Taking some workshops in job search stuff, resumes and interviews. Hating it
3. But had an interview last week and one next week.
4. Suddenly obsessed with the idea I should be a school teacher and am looking into going back to uni for that
5. Medical scare- I complained to my doctor I was gaining weight, always hungry and headachy. Was sent for bloodwork, which showed high cortisol. The doctor went back through my medical records and said I probably didn't have ovarian cysts at the moment, but maybe I had Cushings. Was sent to a specialist who said the cortisol results were a false result from my birth control. Phew! But I don't quite understand what's happening with my PCOS. I was diagnosed with them 12 years ago, but an ultrasound from five years ago (for something else) showed clear, cyst-free ovaries and nobody noticed. So that's a bit of a weird feeling... maybe I could get pregnant without treatment?
6. in fact I am going crazy with the idea of parenthood. This has been previously discussed a few posts back, but now I am absolutely gripped with it. Every time I see a baby or a pregnant person... Made spreadsheets of income as a teacher with and without mat leave. Told all my girlfriends but hid it from Silver Fox. Confessed to him last night that I was 'baby crazy', that if was happening we had four years at the most, that I was struggling to reconcile my desire to have one with my fears about the environment... he said he did like the idea of us having a family (he wants more than one...) but had his own doubts about how much of an emotional toll parenting can take and if he'd be good at it. I think we agreed it's something we want to do (probably!) and we finally talked about his career plans, which are vague, but less vague than I imagined.
7. this made us super mushy the next day. It's kinda a big deal if someone says they would make a baby with you.
Saturday, 29 July 2017
Tuesday, 13 June 2017
Awkward!
I've stayed friends with my ex, Nerdboy. It was mostly his idea. He just wouldn't go away. We tried to get back together but his heart wasn't in it (and that was a hard realization for me). I took a little break and started dating Silver Fox. I can't quite remember how Nerdboy came back into my life but he did. We've worked on art projects together and he really gets a kick out of that. He's helped me out in big ways now that I'm carless. I even worry that I'm using him but I'm glad he's still in my life. It's a weird dynamic because we can tease each other mercilessly and can dance around the edges of the fact that we used to be a couple.
A week ago Nerdboy was helping me prepare for an art show. He told me he was dating again. After we broke up he found a new group of friends (through a date that didn't click romantically actually!) and has been super social. I thought it was great since he really didn't have friends when we were together. His new girlfriend was one of these new friends and it just grew into something more. He asked if he could bring her to the art fair and I agreed, if he was also ready to meet Silver Fox.
It looked like our respective new partners were planning to come at different time slots and wouldn't meet, but of course it didn't work out that way.
Nerdboy's new girlfriend surprised me. She's bubbly and really tried to say nice things about my art. She was dressed quite fashionably and that actually was hard for me. I would never dress that way. She might be younger than me. I expected someone a lot quirkier!
Nerdboy said their group of friends doesn't know they're dating yet. The girlfriend wanted to keep it a secret. She just got out of a relationship a few months ago. I hope he doesn't get hurt.
Then my Silver Fox arrived and while me and New Girlfriend made awkward comments about the event, Silver Fox reached out and introduced himself to Nerdboy. It was a gesture just slightly too big to be smooth, but it was good of him to make the first connection. The brief conversation was just charged with awkwardness! Then the two couples separated and walked around the fair. We kept bumping into them. Silver Fox told me after that he would try to sneak a peak at Nerdboy and they kept locking eyes!
I was quite keyed up and was super clingy to Silver Fox.
The next day Nerdboy helped me put everything back into storage and we laughed about how awkward it was. I went to his house after and it was very weird. I've been back several times since we broke up, but this time every physical spot brought back a memory. Here's where we had sex on the couch, here's where I was standing when he broke up with me, here's where I would get my butt touched when I did dishes. There's still some hurt there, not so much for the first breakup but the reconciliation that seemed so sweet but wasn't.
But honestly, I felt trapped with him. There was a lot of good stuff, but loneliness too. We seem happier as friends. I guess that's a weird thing to do.
And my Silver Fox. I've never felt like this before. I just light up when I see him. We are completely mushy for each other. I'm so glad I got to feel this much in love.
He's still struggling with his anxiety over school. He dropped out of one of his summer classes. I don't know how to help but I'm trying to get him to see a school counselor.
I've been so busy and with the art fair done, I'm looking to take a break. I've got lots of stuff to catch up on (haven't done my taxes, eek!) and I've got to buy a car, clean the house and work on some health stuff.
Ah life! Not sure where this is all going. I'm happier than I've been in a long time but I could use a little rest.
A week ago Nerdboy was helping me prepare for an art show. He told me he was dating again. After we broke up he found a new group of friends (through a date that didn't click romantically actually!) and has been super social. I thought it was great since he really didn't have friends when we were together. His new girlfriend was one of these new friends and it just grew into something more. He asked if he could bring her to the art fair and I agreed, if he was also ready to meet Silver Fox.
It looked like our respective new partners were planning to come at different time slots and wouldn't meet, but of course it didn't work out that way.
Nerdboy's new girlfriend surprised me. She's bubbly and really tried to say nice things about my art. She was dressed quite fashionably and that actually was hard for me. I would never dress that way. She might be younger than me. I expected someone a lot quirkier!
Nerdboy said their group of friends doesn't know they're dating yet. The girlfriend wanted to keep it a secret. She just got out of a relationship a few months ago. I hope he doesn't get hurt.
Then my Silver Fox arrived and while me and New Girlfriend made awkward comments about the event, Silver Fox reached out and introduced himself to Nerdboy. It was a gesture just slightly too big to be smooth, but it was good of him to make the first connection. The brief conversation was just charged with awkwardness! Then the two couples separated and walked around the fair. We kept bumping into them. Silver Fox told me after that he would try to sneak a peak at Nerdboy and they kept locking eyes!
I was quite keyed up and was super clingy to Silver Fox.
The next day Nerdboy helped me put everything back into storage and we laughed about how awkward it was. I went to his house after and it was very weird. I've been back several times since we broke up, but this time every physical spot brought back a memory. Here's where we had sex on the couch, here's where I was standing when he broke up with me, here's where I would get my butt touched when I did dishes. There's still some hurt there, not so much for the first breakup but the reconciliation that seemed so sweet but wasn't.
But honestly, I felt trapped with him. There was a lot of good stuff, but loneliness too. We seem happier as friends. I guess that's a weird thing to do.
And my Silver Fox. I've never felt like this before. I just light up when I see him. We are completely mushy for each other. I'm so glad I got to feel this much in love.
He's still struggling with his anxiety over school. He dropped out of one of his summer classes. I don't know how to help but I'm trying to get him to see a school counselor.
I've been so busy and with the art fair done, I'm looking to take a break. I've got lots of stuff to catch up on (haven't done my taxes, eek!) and I've got to buy a car, clean the house and work on some health stuff.
Ah life! Not sure where this is all going. I'm happier than I've been in a long time but I could use a little rest.
Thursday, 18 May 2017
So certain, except for all these doubts
Not much to report. Still happy with Silver Fox, almost nine months now.
We're sort of poking around the edges of a talk about the future. Probably too early, but it seems almost certain that this is a long-term thing. Like, he's the One? But why did I pick someone who has no high school diploma, can't drive, and can't cook?
There was a late night talk about having a family. That same day I found out a friend (who is 39) is pregnant with her first. So I guess it was on my mind, because that night we were talking about world problems, including overpopulation . (I think we're overpopulated, he doesn't). And I blurted out "I think I might want a child". I had to repeat it because he didn't understand what I had said. And he said he might want one too. And it was very nice and truly terrifying. Oh yeah, and I confessed I'd been thinking about this since our talk at Christmas and he said 'you sat on this all that time!'
Ever since I confirmed my suspicions that we both did want a family, I've been a little crazy, wanting to plan, wanting to know his plans... I've told several girlfriends about our talk, yet I haven't told him all my worries, which isn't fair but he's working on school right now and I don't want him to feel bad about where he is. (He was able to skip to university without his high school diploma)
But I'm 35 and there's a time limit on this project. We are not going to be established enough even in three years unless we beg the grandparents to help out. I will probably need fertility treatment.
I think for both of us, parenthood wasn't really a possibility before, not having suitable partners. So I hope I'm not just having one last fling at this dream of motherhood. Previously I was quite at peace with being childless. But now I'm really thinking what needs to happen, and have set it as a possible goal, and he's still got it as a nice dream for someday....
But I tell myself, Eleanor, it's still not even a year together. Just enjoy getting to know each other and leave the big plans for just a little longer. Enjoy the sweetness of the infatuation stage.
I sometimes can't believe this is happening to me. We are so gaga over each other, we just lie around noses touching and gaze lovingly at the other's face. We have a lot of sex. He's super eager and I can certainly keep up. He's getting much better at it. (If you haven't been following: he dated one other woman for less than a year before he met me.) His anxiety still is a factor but I don't seem to mind. I feel like I have infinite patience with his anxiety in bed, but almost none when it affects his school work.
I think it's delightful to have found someone even less experienced than me. Although sometimes I think about that joke about virgins getting too attached-- maybe he would have liked anybody who came along and was willing to sleep with him. Ha! I actually think we're good for each other, and having someone who understands the late-to-date baggage is just a bonus.
So I love him to bits but I worry so much about how long he's taking to get his shit figured out. And that's why Nerdboy dumped me, so I certainly feel the irony there. I have faith my smart and hardworking boy will do fine, EVENTUALLY. He's not going to get there quickly. I asked Silver Fox if he had any goals, and he said no, which was completely alien to me. I think of him as very reasonable and responsible, but his anxiety makes him completely the opposite of that. If anybody knows any resources for helping a loved one with anxiety, I would be so grateful.
Other small updates: Lots of freelance work, I'm so tired, but it looks like one more month and then it dries up. I'll be happy to take some me-time but will need to find more work by midsummer. Car died and I sold it for parts. Nerdboy and I are trying to be friends, and he seems happier with the arrangement. Me too, I think, but occasionally it's weird. Still living with Mom, and her car is also dead, and she's having trouble buying a new one. (she doesn't do well with large purchases) Between mom and Silver Fox, I want to kick some butts! I used to procrastinate and avoid things, now I'm getting stuff done.
We're sort of poking around the edges of a talk about the future. Probably too early, but it seems almost certain that this is a long-term thing. Like, he's the One? But why did I pick someone who has no high school diploma, can't drive, and can't cook?
There was a late night talk about having a family. That same day I found out a friend (who is 39) is pregnant with her first. So I guess it was on my mind, because that night we were talking about world problems, including overpopulation . (I think we're overpopulated, he doesn't). And I blurted out "I think I might want a child". I had to repeat it because he didn't understand what I had said. And he said he might want one too. And it was very nice and truly terrifying. Oh yeah, and I confessed I'd been thinking about this since our talk at Christmas and he said 'you sat on this all that time!'
Ever since I confirmed my suspicions that we both did want a family, I've been a little crazy, wanting to plan, wanting to know his plans... I've told several girlfriends about our talk, yet I haven't told him all my worries, which isn't fair but he's working on school right now and I don't want him to feel bad about where he is. (He was able to skip to university without his high school diploma)
But I'm 35 and there's a time limit on this project. We are not going to be established enough even in three years unless we beg the grandparents to help out. I will probably need fertility treatment.
I think for both of us, parenthood wasn't really a possibility before, not having suitable partners. So I hope I'm not just having one last fling at this dream of motherhood. Previously I was quite at peace with being childless. But now I'm really thinking what needs to happen, and have set it as a possible goal, and he's still got it as a nice dream for someday....
But I tell myself, Eleanor, it's still not even a year together. Just enjoy getting to know each other and leave the big plans for just a little longer. Enjoy the sweetness of the infatuation stage.
I sometimes can't believe this is happening to me. We are so gaga over each other, we just lie around noses touching and gaze lovingly at the other's face. We have a lot of sex. He's super eager and I can certainly keep up. He's getting much better at it. (If you haven't been following: he dated one other woman for less than a year before he met me.) His anxiety still is a factor but I don't seem to mind. I feel like I have infinite patience with his anxiety in bed, but almost none when it affects his school work.
I think it's delightful to have found someone even less experienced than me. Although sometimes I think about that joke about virgins getting too attached-- maybe he would have liked anybody who came along and was willing to sleep with him. Ha! I actually think we're good for each other, and having someone who understands the late-to-date baggage is just a bonus.
So I love him to bits but I worry so much about how long he's taking to get his shit figured out. And that's why Nerdboy dumped me, so I certainly feel the irony there. I have faith my smart and hardworking boy will do fine, EVENTUALLY. He's not going to get there quickly. I asked Silver Fox if he had any goals, and he said no, which was completely alien to me. I think of him as very reasonable and responsible, but his anxiety makes him completely the opposite of that. If anybody knows any resources for helping a loved one with anxiety, I would be so grateful.
Other small updates: Lots of freelance work, I'm so tired, but it looks like one more month and then it dries up. I'll be happy to take some me-time but will need to find more work by midsummer. Car died and I sold it for parts. Nerdboy and I are trying to be friends, and he seems happier with the arrangement. Me too, I think, but occasionally it's weird. Still living with Mom, and her car is also dead, and she's having trouble buying a new one. (she doesn't do well with large purchases) Between mom and Silver Fox, I want to kick some butts! I used to procrastinate and avoid things, now I'm getting stuff done.
Monday, 26 December 2016
still good, still sweet
Merry Christmas, to those who still check this blog.
What a journey from virginity, through two boyfriends and onto unexpected compatibility with Silver Fox. 4 months together and we're just nuts about each other.
How different from last Christmas- I was engaged to Nerdboy!
What a year.
I am still complicatedly-sad over Nerdboy because we did share a life together for more than two years and he helped me, invested in me, as an artist. And whatever his faults, we worked through my technical difficulties with sex together and he did that gracefully.
But I am realizing how much easier it is with Silver Fox. I remember crying early on in the relationship with Nerdboy because he was criticizing my cooking. And I had so many doubts that he wasn't what I wanted. None of that with Silver Fox, although I have worried about his anxiety and his slow start in his career. It's early yet but I feel pretty certain we're going to be together for a while.
On Christmas I met his nephew for the first time and when we were alone later I asked if he felt anything about being an uncle. I talked about not reacting well when my sister announcing her pregnancy but later completely falling in love with my little nephew. And Silver Fox asked if I was sure I didn't want kids. "Uh, it's complicated" I asked him if he did. He said 'Maybe'. He explained that having children increases the possibility of heartbreak, because you live your own successes and failures, and theirs.
We went to watch a movie that night and all throughout I kept freaking out because I thought that door was shut firm. No children, no regrets. But maybe me and Silver Fox have a future together with a little creation of our own. I don't even know if my body can do it, or if we'll ever be financially secure enough. I don't even know if I want to make the sacrifice motherhood requires.
But, the door is not shut. I know if there was an 'accident' I'd want to have the baby.
I think we'll have to talk about this more, no rush though.
What a journey from virginity, through two boyfriends and onto unexpected compatibility with Silver Fox. 4 months together and we're just nuts about each other.
How different from last Christmas- I was engaged to Nerdboy!
What a year.
I am still complicatedly-sad over Nerdboy because we did share a life together for more than two years and he helped me, invested in me, as an artist. And whatever his faults, we worked through my technical difficulties with sex together and he did that gracefully.
But I am realizing how much easier it is with Silver Fox. I remember crying early on in the relationship with Nerdboy because he was criticizing my cooking. And I had so many doubts that he wasn't what I wanted. None of that with Silver Fox, although I have worried about his anxiety and his slow start in his career. It's early yet but I feel pretty certain we're going to be together for a while.
On Christmas I met his nephew for the first time and when we were alone later I asked if he felt anything about being an uncle. I talked about not reacting well when my sister announcing her pregnancy but later completely falling in love with my little nephew. And Silver Fox asked if I was sure I didn't want kids. "Uh, it's complicated" I asked him if he did. He said 'Maybe'. He explained that having children increases the possibility of heartbreak, because you live your own successes and failures, and theirs.
We went to watch a movie that night and all throughout I kept freaking out because I thought that door was shut firm. No children, no regrets. But maybe me and Silver Fox have a future together with a little creation of our own. I don't even know if my body can do it, or if we'll ever be financially secure enough. I don't even know if I want to make the sacrifice motherhood requires.
But, the door is not shut. I know if there was an 'accident' I'd want to have the baby.
I think we'll have to talk about this more, no rush though.
Monday, 31 October 2016
gush
I'm writing this one just to record it for me.
Last week I had to work in his neighbourhood early in the morning, then I had a big gap in the afternoon. I went to his house and told him I needed to nap. And we did nap....eventually ;)
When we woke up he had a bit of an erection. He was trying to get dressed and it was bobbing around, and he tried to put on his underwear. I was watching from bed, giggling. He didn't seem embarrassed.
And I felt such a rush of emotion. I think I love this man.
But what a weird moment to realize it. I haven't said anything yet. It would have been ridiculous to say it then.
Last week I had to work in his neighbourhood early in the morning, then I had a big gap in the afternoon. I went to his house and told him I needed to nap. And we did nap....eventually ;)
When we woke up he had a bit of an erection. He was trying to get dressed and it was bobbing around, and he tried to put on his underwear. I was watching from bed, giggling. He didn't seem embarrassed.
And I felt such a rush of emotion. I think I love this man.
But what a weird moment to realize it. I haven't said anything yet. It would have been ridiculous to say it then.
Monday, 17 October 2016
A good man...
Another late night talk. He confessed he was 'difficult'. Which, when I inquired further, was because his ex had told him he argued too hard when discussing ideas and politics.
Thinking about it the next day, I realized how low the bar is to be a good man.
He isn't going to beat me, rape me, steal from me, cheat on me. He isn't an addict. He didn't send dick pics. He isn't emotionally closed off. He isn't going to gaslight or patronize me. He hasn't asked me to change my appearance. He doesn't expect me to cook for him or 'mother' him.
My mom said the other day that Donald Trump's comments weren't shocking to her, that all the men in her generation have something of that mindset.
Women put up with a lot it seems.
So I think I've found a rare jewel, and wonder how he was single so long. (Underemployment aside...)
And as for the arguing thing, both Walrus and Nerdboy told me I argued too hard too, so maybe we're a good fit.
Thinking about it the next day, I realized how low the bar is to be a good man.
He isn't going to beat me, rape me, steal from me, cheat on me. He isn't an addict. He didn't send dick pics. He isn't emotionally closed off. He isn't going to gaslight or patronize me. He hasn't asked me to change my appearance. He doesn't expect me to cook for him or 'mother' him.
My mom said the other day that Donald Trump's comments weren't shocking to her, that all the men in her generation have something of that mindset.
Women put up with a lot it seems.
So I think I've found a rare jewel, and wonder how he was single so long. (Underemployment aside...)
And as for the arguing thing, both Walrus and Nerdboy told me I argued too hard too, so maybe we're a good fit.
Tuesday, 11 October 2016
The 'L' word
Did I really only meet Silver Fox seven weeks ago? I see him every two or three days, and sleep over at his house almost as much. I've got a toothbrush and a phone charger there.
And it's going pretty well. We seem delighted with each other.
He told me about a week ago that his anxiety causes him to worry I will reject him. He said it isn't anything I've done, it's just how his brain works.
I'm hoping if he actually believed that was a possibility, he wouldn't have told me.
But I was a bit worried that I had that much power to hurt him. Because I really don't think he is going to hurt me. So, I get to be the bad guy?
I said "But, I like you so much!"
He said, "I more than like you"
So it wasn't a shock when the next time I was over, and we'd had a late night roll in the hay, he said 'I know you're not supposed to say this in bed, and it's early, and you don't have to feel this way, but I think I.....love you?' (his voice went up at the end, like a question)
I said, "oh my darling" and buried my head in his shoulder. But then I said, 'It's very early'.
I felt very overwhelmed and my eyes watered. I told him that the last relationship had messed me up but I was happy with him.
I don't know if that satisfied him but that's the best I can do right now.
I feel like he hasn't been in love before and I came along and was sweet to him. But for me love means we've seen the darker sides, we've quarreled and made up, we've gone through stuff and decided to stay together.
~~~
We have sex a lot. At bed time, and usually again in the morning. And he's gotten bolder with his comments. Who would have known that my sweet respectful boy was such a horndog?
He said some dirty stuff in bed that made me blush. Did he really just ask me if I liked cock?
I actually find it a teeny bit ridiculous but the guy waited until his mid-thirties to have sex so if it helps him feel like a man I can just play along.
The sex stuff is getting better but his foreplay is better than the actual event.
~~
Nerdboy has contacted me a few times. Wanted to tell me how sad he was, not because of me necessarily, just generally not doing well. I went to his birthday party, it was a little awkward but fine. I thought maybe the friends thing would be ok. Then a few days after he messaged me and the point of the conversation was to find out if I still was with Silver Fox and then tell me he was stepping away from dating while he worked on finding a new job.
Tuesday, 20 September 2016
late night talks
Hey, this post goes into some detailed sex stuff. You've been warned!
~~~~
I've stayed over at Silver Fox's twice (at least) since the last blog post. We are learning how to do sex together. My body can be coaxed into cooperating, if we're patient. He's having some trouble with his equipment. So we take breaks, and cuddle, and it's probably actually perfect for my problem, because my body can decide it actually does want to participate.
He's having anxiety because he had the problem in the past and his ex was cruel about it. She sounds like a cow. I wish he hadn't gone back to her because we could have found each other much earlier!
He said he knows I'm different but thinking about the bad memories or just focusing too much on the problem makes the anxiety worse.
Despite these problems, we're having a good time. I'm just not sure how to be helpful except to not be upset about it.
His ex once kicked him out of bed because of it. Wow.
Last night it was particularly troublesome although eventually we briefly got both bodies in sync but the success was short lived. I don't really understand what happened but he said he had to stop.
We just talked instead. He seems to be able to talk openly about sex whereas I still have walls around the subject. He told me he had a sexy dream about me and I didn't know how to take it. (blush)
I said I was very happy we were each other's second partner.
He said, "I feel like we are sort of kindred spirits even though we're very different. Do you feel that?"
And I was so happy. I do feel like there's nothing on the surface to make this work, and yet we connected so quickly. I couldn't believe I'd found another late bloomer, purely by accident. I don't think he means just the sex thing but I can't name what it is we have in common.
From what I can work out, I think he only had sex about a year ago, and it was fraught with problems. We talked about what it was like to not be in relationships. He talked of some embarrassment, and feeling something was missing, but it didn't seem to be as big a deal as it was to me. Being a virgin became part of my identity, even though it was secret.
And we talked about exes. I told him the whole Nerdboy saga, a condensed version anyways. He said 'that guy sounds like a piece of work'. Which I guess is true. I can't get perspective on it yet.
And Silver Fox said a little bit more about his unhealthy relationship with the Cow.
So finally someone stayed up late and bared souls with me. It was a little painful and a lot wonderful.
~~~~
I really like him but I can see stuff about him I don't like. Am I supposed to be in a love-struck blindness to his faults? I hope not. I am a little freaked out by how easy this has been so far. I kinda think it could work....
~~~~
I've stayed over at Silver Fox's twice (at least) since the last blog post. We are learning how to do sex together. My body can be coaxed into cooperating, if we're patient. He's having some trouble with his equipment. So we take breaks, and cuddle, and it's probably actually perfect for my problem, because my body can decide it actually does want to participate.
He's having anxiety because he had the problem in the past and his ex was cruel about it. She sounds like a cow. I wish he hadn't gone back to her because we could have found each other much earlier!
He said he knows I'm different but thinking about the bad memories or just focusing too much on the problem makes the anxiety worse.
Despite these problems, we're having a good time. I'm just not sure how to be helpful except to not be upset about it.
His ex once kicked him out of bed because of it. Wow.
Last night it was particularly troublesome although eventually we briefly got both bodies in sync but the success was short lived. I don't really understand what happened but he said he had to stop.
We just talked instead. He seems to be able to talk openly about sex whereas I still have walls around the subject. He told me he had a sexy dream about me and I didn't know how to take it. (blush)
I said I was very happy we were each other's second partner.
He said, "I feel like we are sort of kindred spirits even though we're very different. Do you feel that?"
And I was so happy. I do feel like there's nothing on the surface to make this work, and yet we connected so quickly. I couldn't believe I'd found another late bloomer, purely by accident. I don't think he means just the sex thing but I can't name what it is we have in common.
From what I can work out, I think he only had sex about a year ago, and it was fraught with problems. We talked about what it was like to not be in relationships. He talked of some embarrassment, and feeling something was missing, but it didn't seem to be as big a deal as it was to me. Being a virgin became part of my identity, even though it was secret.
And we talked about exes. I told him the whole Nerdboy saga, a condensed version anyways. He said 'that guy sounds like a piece of work'. Which I guess is true. I can't get perspective on it yet.
And Silver Fox said a little bit more about his unhealthy relationship with the Cow.
So finally someone stayed up late and bared souls with me. It was a little painful and a lot wonderful.
~~~~
I really like him but I can see stuff about him I don't like. Am I supposed to be in a love-struck blindness to his faults? I hope not. I am a little freaked out by how easy this has been so far. I kinda think it could work....
Wednesday, 14 September 2016
Sleepover NSFW
So last Sunday night I stayed over at his house. I ran out the door telling my mother in a gulp 'Ok I'mgoingtoSilverFox's tonight andI'mstayingover, bye!'
It took an hour and a half on the bus to get to his place.
I made pizza for us. Have I mentioned that he eats mostly (nutritional supplement)? It drives me nuts. He has almost no groceries on hand so I brought everything.
Then we watched a movie on his laptop, cuddling on the couch. I was feeling gassy (oh so sexy) and wanted to take off my jeans and belt, so I changed into some pjs. He suggested we move to the bed upstairs. He got naked. I stayed clothed but cuddled up. We did finish watching the movie in bed but then we were all over each other.
I blush like a schoolgirl talking about sex in 'normal life' but in bed I have learned to be pretty open.
We used the vibrator on me and that got my stupid cranky old muscles down there to relax. I said something about 'it' being difficult and he said 'I have funny genitalia too.' Which made me laugh so hard. Good thing he saw the absurdity too. We high-fived.
He got on top of me. We achieved penetration but uh...he doesn't thrust. He flexed it. Maybe he thought he was thrusting? I don't know but it didn't do anything for me.
I went on top. He made the most amazing faces of pleasure. But then he winced and said he was freaked out about his penis getting bent. I got off and he told me about how erections work and that penises can be broken. He said his ex did stuff that bent him. He seemed to know it was an irrational fear but sheesh, this is going to be hard to work with.
This sort of killed the mood but we just cuddled. We seem to like just looking into each other's faces. In fact, he said 'I just like looking at you.' I like his eyes. And he wanted to go again and we tried a new position (for him) that was a success. But again, not so much on the thrusting. Pick a rhythm already!
So it was a lot of fun but not the skill level I'm used to. And I feel like our exes came to bed with us but hopefully we can forget about them and learn together what works for us.
In the morning we did play around again but I guess he wasn't able to go again? I didn't really understand why it didn't happen and didn't ask, but we cuddled and caressed for a long time and I was purring like a cat. So a pretty ok substitute.
We were supposed to meet up with his best friend at lunch but he cut himself shaving in the morning and almost cancelled because he was self-conscious about the big gash on his face. How can insecurity be so self-important? No one is going to notice because they are all the centre of their own universes. Anyways, he was persuaded into going and I meet his friend and her two little girls.
He met this friend age 14 in the early internet messaging boards. I asked why they never dated. Well, she dated his older brother while he had a crush on her. Poor boy! But they've been friends for life, even though she is now married with kids. She seemed nice but we were at a playground and it's hard to socialize while someone is parenting.
She asked how we met and Silver Fox said we met at the festival. Which is true, but it left out the part about online dating, and since he'd told me that's how she met her husband, I can't figure out why he'd not be open about it.
~~~
I told Nerdboy that I was bringing a date to (festival we used to do together) and he sorta reacted badly. He said 'all I ask is that you don't go to the same shows as me', which of course I was not going to do. But then he posted something on facebook about being his own worst enemy, cancelled his birthday party, and the next day wrote to me 'You deserve to be loved and I know we got here because of my decision but it's still going to hurt to see you with someone else, just as it will be unpleasant for you when/if I meet someone'.
Well, he already has dated again, and spoke openly to me about it. And I cried about it, but I didn't write to him to tell him about my pain.
I could have said that (and a whole bunch more), but I just said comforting things because I didn't want him to be hurt. Why do women do this?
I cried all morning about it. I'm not quite over him, and he's not quite over me.
Stupid boy. It was your choice. I would have come back, up until about a month ago when we cuddled on your couch and you didn't ask for me back.
But now it's my decision too and I'm going to move forward.
It took an hour and a half on the bus to get to his place.
I made pizza for us. Have I mentioned that he eats mostly (nutritional supplement)? It drives me nuts. He has almost no groceries on hand so I brought everything.
Then we watched a movie on his laptop, cuddling on the couch. I was feeling gassy (oh so sexy) and wanted to take off my jeans and belt, so I changed into some pjs. He suggested we move to the bed upstairs. He got naked. I stayed clothed but cuddled up. We did finish watching the movie in bed but then we were all over each other.
I blush like a schoolgirl talking about sex in 'normal life' but in bed I have learned to be pretty open.
We used the vibrator on me and that got my stupid cranky old muscles down there to relax. I said something about 'it' being difficult and he said 'I have funny genitalia too.' Which made me laugh so hard. Good thing he saw the absurdity too. We high-fived.
He got on top of me. We achieved penetration but uh...he doesn't thrust. He flexed it. Maybe he thought he was thrusting? I don't know but it didn't do anything for me.
I went on top. He made the most amazing faces of pleasure. But then he winced and said he was freaked out about his penis getting bent. I got off and he told me about how erections work and that penises can be broken. He said his ex did stuff that bent him. He seemed to know it was an irrational fear but sheesh, this is going to be hard to work with.
This sort of killed the mood but we just cuddled. We seem to like just looking into each other's faces. In fact, he said 'I just like looking at you.' I like his eyes. And he wanted to go again and we tried a new position (for him) that was a success. But again, not so much on the thrusting. Pick a rhythm already!
So it was a lot of fun but not the skill level I'm used to. And I feel like our exes came to bed with us but hopefully we can forget about them and learn together what works for us.
In the morning we did play around again but I guess he wasn't able to go again? I didn't really understand why it didn't happen and didn't ask, but we cuddled and caressed for a long time and I was purring like a cat. So a pretty ok substitute.
We were supposed to meet up with his best friend at lunch but he cut himself shaving in the morning and almost cancelled because he was self-conscious about the big gash on his face. How can insecurity be so self-important? No one is going to notice because they are all the centre of their own universes. Anyways, he was persuaded into going and I meet his friend and her two little girls.
He met this friend age 14 in the early internet messaging boards. I asked why they never dated. Well, she dated his older brother while he had a crush on her. Poor boy! But they've been friends for life, even though she is now married with kids. She seemed nice but we were at a playground and it's hard to socialize while someone is parenting.
She asked how we met and Silver Fox said we met at the festival. Which is true, but it left out the part about online dating, and since he'd told me that's how she met her husband, I can't figure out why he'd not be open about it.
~~~
I told Nerdboy that I was bringing a date to (festival we used to do together) and he sorta reacted badly. He said 'all I ask is that you don't go to the same shows as me', which of course I was not going to do. But then he posted something on facebook about being his own worst enemy, cancelled his birthday party, and the next day wrote to me 'You deserve to be loved and I know we got here because of my decision but it's still going to hurt to see you with someone else, just as it will be unpleasant for you when/if I meet someone'.
Well, he already has dated again, and spoke openly to me about it. And I cried about it, but I didn't write to him to tell him about my pain.
I could have said that (and a whole bunch more), but I just said comforting things because I didn't want him to be hurt. Why do women do this?
I cried all morning about it. I'm not quite over him, and he's not quite over me.
Stupid boy. It was your choice. I would have come back, up until about a month ago when we cuddled on your couch and you didn't ask for me back.
But now it's my decision too and I'm going to move forward.
Saturday, 10 September 2016
Technical Difficulties
Date 4
Well I was going camping with my girlfriend but Silver Fox and I decided to sneak in a date before I left. We went out to dinner and I went back to his house.
I felt like I was marching to my doom as we walked there.
We sat on the couch and I told him about the pain-during-sex thing.
He said, "Did you think I would be put off by it?"
Actually, no. I trusted him pretty easily with that. He told me about his ED and how his ex wasn't nice about it. And he said...."Well if it doesn't work we can do other things that are fun. And uh...if you want to maybe do those other things tonight, I need to take the pill now."
I blushed. We talked about something else.
"How long does the pill take to work?"
"About half an hour."
"Take the pill."
And he did, and we sat on the couch again.
"Um...now what do we do?"
Silver Fox said, "Well we could talk about what you like....... (long pause) ....in bed."
I tried but I got embarrassed. He was much more at ease than I was but pretty soon we were just kissing and he said 'Do you want to go upstairs?'
And we did, and we undressed and he's got a dad-bod. At one point, he said, "I'm nervous because I only did this with one other person."
It was going well, but penetration didn't work because my body is DIFFICULT.
So we (CENSORED) which was my idea and he hadn't done it.
I think it was a success.
And we agreed we were boyfriend-girlfriend. That sounds dorky for two 35-year-olds. But you know what I mean.
I like this one.
I will sleep over tomorrow.
Well I was going camping with my girlfriend but Silver Fox and I decided to sneak in a date before I left. We went out to dinner and I went back to his house.
I felt like I was marching to my doom as we walked there.
We sat on the couch and I told him about the pain-during-sex thing.
He said, "Did you think I would be put off by it?"
Actually, no. I trusted him pretty easily with that. He told me about his ED and how his ex wasn't nice about it. And he said...."Well if it doesn't work we can do other things that are fun. And uh...if you want to maybe do those other things tonight, I need to take the pill now."
I blushed. We talked about something else.
"How long does the pill take to work?"
"About half an hour."
"Take the pill."
And he did, and we sat on the couch again.
"Um...now what do we do?"
Silver Fox said, "Well we could talk about what you like....... (long pause) ....in bed."
I tried but I got embarrassed. He was much more at ease than I was but pretty soon we were just kissing and he said 'Do you want to go upstairs?'
And we did, and we undressed and he's got a dad-bod. At one point, he said, "I'm nervous because I only did this with one other person."
It was going well, but penetration didn't work because my body is DIFFICULT.
So we (CENSORED) which was my idea and he hadn't done it.
I think it was a success.
And we agreed we were boyfriend-girlfriend. That sounds dorky for two 35-year-olds. But you know what I mean.
I like this one.
I will sleep over tomorrow.
Monday, 5 September 2016
That escalated quickly
Date 3 with Silver Fox.
We met for a movie in the afternoon. I wasn't sure if we should touch during the screening. I keep leaning way over and eventually I rested my head on his shoulder. I didn't keep it there long. I really couldn't tell if he liked it.
We went to a park after for a picnic dinner. It was all very intellectual conversation until he noticed I was ripping jelly beans in half before I ate them. I said, "..Uh I think it's because I'm nervous."
"You're nervous? I want you to feel at ease with me"
"Aren't you nervous?"
"No, I'm relaxed now."
And a pause . "Would it be okay if I put my arm around you?"
So I snuggled in. We were on a bench with a great view of the whole city. Conversation died because I was so electrified that all coherent thoughts disappeared. After a while he said he was getting cold, maybe we should go indoors? It was only 8 o'clock. I thought we were going to a coffee shop, but he said..."or you could come over."
"Uh, I'm thinking about it."
"You don't have to do anything you don't want to, if that's what you're worried about."
I agreed. He lives in suburbs and it took an hour to get there. And then I'm in his place, owned by his parents, and he makes me tea. He opens the cupboard to get some cups, and there's all his medicine. "Well you might be wondering why I have this (erection medication). Some of my pills have sexual side effects. I just wanted to be proactive and tell you about it in case it was weird for you."
Well, yeah that was but it seemed a reasonable explanation and we moved on. It was the first time sex had been mentioned.
There was a discussion about me NOT sleeping over and what time I could still get home on transit. 11pm. I wasn't sure if I should call my mother. I didn't. I set the alarm on my phone.
We sat on the couch. I asked about him asking me out so soon after a breakup. He said his ex had some mental health issues and constantly threatened to break up with him. He said it wasn't her fault but he was glad to be out of it.
He said he was feeling nervous now that we were alone and dating was difficult for him. I said I hadn't started dating until I was 30 and he said it was about the same for him.
"How many girlfriends have you had?"
"One."
"Two for me. Not girlfriends, ha."
I couldn't believe we'd found each other. Nerdboy had so much experience and maybe that was good for me but this was a relief.
He said he always asked for permission before he touched me (He did ask for every kiss) because he'd been bullied and hurt as a child, and was very careful about touch.
Nerdboy had rules about being touched too.
And then we were kissing, and I couldn't handle the tongue...Nerdboy never French-kissed and I just giggled. I had to tell Silver Fox what was going on and he said, "Well I like tongue but we don't have to." "No I like it, it's just been a while." And then we were lying down and kissing and it was so nice and we'd stop and look into each other's eyes and smile. He touched my face and my hair so gently.
Nerdboy never did that. I felt like I'd been starved.
"Are you sure you don't want to sleep over?"
Oh, I was tempted but I just wasn't ready.
The buzzer went off and he walked me to the bus stop. His goodbyes are a little less than sentimental, just a wave and goodbye but I think he just gets nervous.
so....that happened.
We met for a movie in the afternoon. I wasn't sure if we should touch during the screening. I keep leaning way over and eventually I rested my head on his shoulder. I didn't keep it there long. I really couldn't tell if he liked it.
We went to a park after for a picnic dinner. It was all very intellectual conversation until he noticed I was ripping jelly beans in half before I ate them. I said, "..Uh I think it's because I'm nervous."
"You're nervous? I want you to feel at ease with me"
"Aren't you nervous?"
"No, I'm relaxed now."
And a pause . "Would it be okay if I put my arm around you?"
So I snuggled in. We were on a bench with a great view of the whole city. Conversation died because I was so electrified that all coherent thoughts disappeared. After a while he said he was getting cold, maybe we should go indoors? It was only 8 o'clock. I thought we were going to a coffee shop, but he said..."or you could come over."
"Uh, I'm thinking about it."
"You don't have to do anything you don't want to, if that's what you're worried about."
I agreed. He lives in suburbs and it took an hour to get there. And then I'm in his place, owned by his parents, and he makes me tea. He opens the cupboard to get some cups, and there's all his medicine. "Well you might be wondering why I have this (erection medication). Some of my pills have sexual side effects. I just wanted to be proactive and tell you about it in case it was weird for you."
Well, yeah that was but it seemed a reasonable explanation and we moved on. It was the first time sex had been mentioned.
There was a discussion about me NOT sleeping over and what time I could still get home on transit. 11pm. I wasn't sure if I should call my mother. I didn't. I set the alarm on my phone.
We sat on the couch. I asked about him asking me out so soon after a breakup. He said his ex had some mental health issues and constantly threatened to break up with him. He said it wasn't her fault but he was glad to be out of it.
He said he was feeling nervous now that we were alone and dating was difficult for him. I said I hadn't started dating until I was 30 and he said it was about the same for him.
"How many girlfriends have you had?"
"One."
"Two for me. Not girlfriends, ha."
I couldn't believe we'd found each other. Nerdboy had so much experience and maybe that was good for me but this was a relief.
He said he always asked for permission before he touched me (He did ask for every kiss) because he'd been bullied and hurt as a child, and was very careful about touch.
Nerdboy had rules about being touched too.
And then we were kissing, and I couldn't handle the tongue...Nerdboy never French-kissed and I just giggled. I had to tell Silver Fox what was going on and he said, "Well I like tongue but we don't have to." "No I like it, it's just been a while." And then we were lying down and kissing and it was so nice and we'd stop and look into each other's eyes and smile. He touched my face and my hair so gently.
Nerdboy never did that. I felt like I'd been starved.
"Are you sure you don't want to sleep over?"
Oh, I was tempted but I just wasn't ready.
The buzzer went off and he walked me to the bus stop. His goodbyes are a little less than sentimental, just a wave and goodbye but I think he just gets nervous.
so....that happened.
Wednesday, 31 August 2016
Second Date
Well, we seem to like each other.
Silver Fox phoned to say he would be late. I met him at the bus and we went to my studio and I showed him what I was working on. It was fun at first but then I got embarrassed by the 'show and tell'.
We walked up to a pub for dinner and we played Scrabble.
I was not really feeling it. He's very intellectual and wanted to discuss philosophy and politics constantly. Which I like, but I was having trouble keeping up with the jargon and was a bit worried he was emotionally locked up or something. And he has small feminine hands that are a bit disappointing.
The board game helped us relax I think. I had a girly drink, so I got a bit light headed. He just had coffee.
The pub was crowded and noisy so we went for a walk and ended up in a park. And I asked somewhat personal questions and at last we were really talking. I could get a sense of who he was.
He is very shy. Very very shy. But he did manage to ask me out (not even 24 hours after his breakup).
We talked about the environment, and childhood (he was bullied) and family and it was getting dark and we looked at the stars. He asked if I liked OKCupid. I laughed. Uh, no. I told him about the guy who wanted me to grow my hair long. I said quietly, 'You're the only person I ever messaged'
He said, I'm honoured.
Finally I said I couldn't sit any longer and we walked back to the bus. He got quiet. He said something about wishing there were better movies out, which I think was a lead up to planning a second date but we got sidetracked talking about movies.
Another pause, and he said "I'm glad you messaged me because I like you."
I slipped my hand into his. He said, "you have soft hands. Well, one, anyways."
We let go to go on a narrow part of the path and he didn't pick it up again when we were walking side by side again. I was wondering how this was going to end when he said, "I get very shy about these things but would it be okay if I kissed you goodnight?" And I turned and faced him and we did two short kisses. He has a bit of suction to his kisses! Nerdboy didn't kiss much.
His bus came, another quick kiss and a wave goodbye.
He wrote to say he had a great time and hopes to hang out soon.
I feel excited. A bit of confusion. Nerdboy is still around. We saw a movie together last week, and text frequently. And his parents are moving to Small City and he said he was seriously thinking of moving there too. Specifically, because I had suggested he come with me if I go. (On the night we cuddled on his couch)
I can't help but compare the old with the new. Silver Fox can converse at a much deeper level than Nerdboy. But he is also very shy and dislikes loud and noisy environments. He can't cook or drive and I'm guessing he's not good at fixing or building. I would say Nerdboy and I had a more similar sense of fun. So Nerdboy got a bit of a nostalgia glow for a moment, but there were also real problems in empathy and closeness.
So. How to draw boundaries with Nerdboy? Should I move cities? Should I not be dating if leaving?
Silver Fox phoned to say he would be late. I met him at the bus and we went to my studio and I showed him what I was working on. It was fun at first but then I got embarrassed by the 'show and tell'.
We walked up to a pub for dinner and we played Scrabble.
I was not really feeling it. He's very intellectual and wanted to discuss philosophy and politics constantly. Which I like, but I was having trouble keeping up with the jargon and was a bit worried he was emotionally locked up or something. And he has small feminine hands that are a bit disappointing.
The board game helped us relax I think. I had a girly drink, so I got a bit light headed. He just had coffee.
The pub was crowded and noisy so we went for a walk and ended up in a park. And I asked somewhat personal questions and at last we were really talking. I could get a sense of who he was.
He is very shy. Very very shy. But he did manage to ask me out (not even 24 hours after his breakup).
We talked about the environment, and childhood (he was bullied) and family and it was getting dark and we looked at the stars. He asked if I liked OKCupid. I laughed. Uh, no. I told him about the guy who wanted me to grow my hair long. I said quietly, 'You're the only person I ever messaged'
He said, I'm honoured.
Finally I said I couldn't sit any longer and we walked back to the bus. He got quiet. He said something about wishing there were better movies out, which I think was a lead up to planning a second date but we got sidetracked talking about movies.
Another pause, and he said "I'm glad you messaged me because I like you."
I slipped my hand into his. He said, "you have soft hands. Well, one, anyways."
We let go to go on a narrow part of the path and he didn't pick it up again when we were walking side by side again. I was wondering how this was going to end when he said, "I get very shy about these things but would it be okay if I kissed you goodnight?" And I turned and faced him and we did two short kisses. He has a bit of suction to his kisses! Nerdboy didn't kiss much.
His bus came, another quick kiss and a wave goodbye.
He wrote to say he had a great time and hopes to hang out soon.
I feel excited. A bit of confusion. Nerdboy is still around. We saw a movie together last week, and text frequently. And his parents are moving to Small City and he said he was seriously thinking of moving there too. Specifically, because I had suggested he come with me if I go. (On the night we cuddled on his couch)
I can't help but compare the old with the new. Silver Fox can converse at a much deeper level than Nerdboy. But he is also very shy and dislikes loud and noisy environments. He can't cook or drive and I'm guessing he's not good at fixing or building. I would say Nerdboy and I had a more similar sense of fun. So Nerdboy got a bit of a nostalgia glow for a moment, but there were also real problems in empathy and closeness.
So. How to draw boundaries with Nerdboy? Should I move cities? Should I not be dating if leaving?
Wednesday, 24 August 2016
Silver Fox
So, my first date as a single woman.
We met today for coffee, around 3pm. Afternoon dates are weird because there's no set end time. I had suggested 2 hours, I could have pretended to have an evening engagement but I didn't.
We met at a coffee shop, I was early. Silver Fox (as I have nicknamed him) had bought some books at a used book store and we talked about those. He is studying philosophy and very easily slips into 'lecture mode' and uses a lot of big words I don't get. I am pretty happy to discuss big ideas, so I tried to hang in there but sometimes I had to stop him.
Conversation was awkward at first but I did get a quick sketch of his life. People are so surprising. He dropped out of high school and went to alternative school. He's also a former smoker. He seems really straight-laced.
After two drinks in the cafe we went wandering and found a park to sit in.
When we looked at the clock, it was almost 7pm.
So we are going to see each other again.
He wrote to say he was feeling shy today and hoped he wasn't too awkward.
I don't know what I think. It was a very intellectual discussion, above my head, and I could only get a few glimpses of him as a person.
We hugged, if you're wondering, and that's it.
We met today for coffee, around 3pm. Afternoon dates are weird because there's no set end time. I had suggested 2 hours, I could have pretended to have an evening engagement but I didn't.
We met at a coffee shop, I was early. Silver Fox (as I have nicknamed him) had bought some books at a used book store and we talked about those. He is studying philosophy and very easily slips into 'lecture mode' and uses a lot of big words I don't get. I am pretty happy to discuss big ideas, so I tried to hang in there but sometimes I had to stop him.
Conversation was awkward at first but I did get a quick sketch of his life. People are so surprising. He dropped out of high school and went to alternative school. He's also a former smoker. He seems really straight-laced.
After two drinks in the cafe we went wandering and found a park to sit in.
When we looked at the clock, it was almost 7pm.
So we are going to see each other again.
He wrote to say he was feeling shy today and hoped he wasn't too awkward.
I don't know what I think. It was a very intellectual discussion, above my head, and I could only get a few glimpses of him as a person.
We hugged, if you're wondering, and that's it.
Friday, 19 August 2016
And then stuff happens...
Ok where to start.
1. Honest Abe had a line in his profile that said, I don't care if you have a few extra pounds but if you don't have a full body shot in your profile I'm going to ask. Well, I don't have a full body shot up, so I decided to get that issue out of the way and said I was about a size 12.
I got this message back that said he didn't know what that meant so he looked at lingerie models online but couldn't tell if he'd be attracted to me. He then went on to say he'd probably demand I grow my hair long.
I told him I was not interested. You want a woman with long hair, I want someone who respects my grooming choices.
Do you think he had a full body shot posted on his profile, the hypocrite?
2. Nerdboy.
So, much of this is my fault. I had his picnic bag to return, and we had requested a movie at the library six months ago and it finally came my turn. So, I suggested I come by Sunday evening to drop off the bag, and I'd watch the movie, and then he could watch the movie and then return it. He said, let's watch it together.
Bad idea, but of course I agree. So I go over to his place, and he makes dinner, and we just seem so happy to see each other, I joke he should move to Small City with me. And then we put on the fairly romantic movie, and we're sitting next to each other on the couch. Elbows touch. Shoulders touch. I lean on his shoulder. We play with each other's hands. That's all that happened. We cuddled through the movie. I did say stuff like "we've done this before" and 'What are we doing?'
After we played MarioKart.
I went home, and at the door, there was a long hug "I missed you" "I missed you too"
"You think about this"
"I screwed it up" (that evening, or the whole relationship?)
I went home thinking we were on the cusp of trying again.
Monday morning woke up to a random text from him about the movie 'The Martian'
He was silent all day. I cried.
Tuesday I had dinner with him again and we went for a walk. and he talked about online dating, camping, other future plans, in a way that signaled to me that we were just friends in his mind. He said he wasn't dating Eldorada, she had a boyfriend, but she lived near by and they hung out often. Then we went to her house to pick up something so I HAD TO MEET HER! It was a very weird day. We didn't talk about Sunday. But I went back to his house and we watched tv, not touching and then he sorta moved his shoulder towards me meaningfully and we cuddled again.
Wednesday he helped with my waste volunteer project. (Which he didn't do when we were together!)
Friday we went for a walk, totally platonic. He joked about me sleeping on his porch because we both need to be at the same place tomorrow.
Tomorrow I see him again for the arts festival we used to do together.
I think friends-with-cuddling-privileges is a bit weird but maybe it's how we're saying goodbye.
Today I feel like I love him dearly but don't need to be in a relationship any more.
I guess it would still feed my ego to still be wanted by him.
3. Home
Car went to shop, car came back undriveable and the mechanic is on vacation. I don't know what he did but it feels like the handbrake is always on.
Mom is having minor surgery and will need to rest for a month.
The battle against the mice continues.
This is all very stressful.
I got my hair cut and dyed. I like it.
4. Silver Fox
Oh some good news, maybe? I noticed today that Silver Fox had his profile back up. I had written to him, he had just got back together with his girlfriend, we bumped into each other later, we follow each other on Twitter.
I was planning to write to him. His twitter showed he had gotten dumped maybe a day ago.
I thought I'd wait a day or two, considering what he'd just gone through.
Nope, he wrote to me.
I wrote back.
He wrote back and asked me to coffee.
I said yes but in a few days as I have a friend over from out of town.
He didn't write back.
I can see he's online, but maybe he just left a browser open.
I think it will still happen, but I would feel better if he said 'Great, how bout Wednesday?'
But, I will say that tomorrow if he doesn't follow up.
1. Honest Abe had a line in his profile that said, I don't care if you have a few extra pounds but if you don't have a full body shot in your profile I'm going to ask. Well, I don't have a full body shot up, so I decided to get that issue out of the way and said I was about a size 12.
I got this message back that said he didn't know what that meant so he looked at lingerie models online but couldn't tell if he'd be attracted to me. He then went on to say he'd probably demand I grow my hair long.
I told him I was not interested. You want a woman with long hair, I want someone who respects my grooming choices.
Do you think he had a full body shot posted on his profile, the hypocrite?
2. Nerdboy.
So, much of this is my fault. I had his picnic bag to return, and we had requested a movie at the library six months ago and it finally came my turn. So, I suggested I come by Sunday evening to drop off the bag, and I'd watch the movie, and then he could watch the movie and then return it. He said, let's watch it together.
Bad idea, but of course I agree. So I go over to his place, and he makes dinner, and we just seem so happy to see each other, I joke he should move to Small City with me. And then we put on the fairly romantic movie, and we're sitting next to each other on the couch. Elbows touch. Shoulders touch. I lean on his shoulder. We play with each other's hands. That's all that happened. We cuddled through the movie. I did say stuff like "we've done this before" and 'What are we doing?'
After we played MarioKart.
I went home, and at the door, there was a long hug "I missed you" "I missed you too"
"You think about this"
"I screwed it up" (that evening, or the whole relationship?)
I went home thinking we were on the cusp of trying again.
Monday morning woke up to a random text from him about the movie 'The Martian'
He was silent all day. I cried.
Tuesday I had dinner with him again and we went for a walk. and he talked about online dating, camping, other future plans, in a way that signaled to me that we were just friends in his mind. He said he wasn't dating Eldorada, she had a boyfriend, but she lived near by and they hung out often. Then we went to her house to pick up something so I HAD TO MEET HER! It was a very weird day. We didn't talk about Sunday. But I went back to his house and we watched tv, not touching and then he sorta moved his shoulder towards me meaningfully and we cuddled again.
Wednesday he helped with my waste volunteer project. (Which he didn't do when we were together!)
Friday we went for a walk, totally platonic. He joked about me sleeping on his porch because we both need to be at the same place tomorrow.
Tomorrow I see him again for the arts festival we used to do together.
I think friends-with-cuddling-privileges is a bit weird but maybe it's how we're saying goodbye.
Today I feel like I love him dearly but don't need to be in a relationship any more.
I guess it would still feed my ego to still be wanted by him.
3. Home
Car went to shop, car came back undriveable and the mechanic is on vacation. I don't know what he did but it feels like the handbrake is always on.
Mom is having minor surgery and will need to rest for a month.
The battle against the mice continues.
This is all very stressful.
I got my hair cut and dyed. I like it.
4. Silver Fox
Oh some good news, maybe? I noticed today that Silver Fox had his profile back up. I had written to him, he had just got back together with his girlfriend, we bumped into each other later, we follow each other on Twitter.
I was planning to write to him. His twitter showed he had gotten dumped maybe a day ago.
I thought I'd wait a day or two, considering what he'd just gone through.
Nope, he wrote to me.
I wrote back.
He wrote back and asked me to coffee.
I said yes but in a few days as I have a friend over from out of town.
He didn't write back.
I can see he's online, but maybe he just left a browser open.
I think it will still happen, but I would feel better if he said 'Great, how bout Wednesday?'
But, I will say that tomorrow if he doesn't follow up.
Saturday, 13 August 2016
can't move forward
How many doubts did I have about Nerdboy? But he rejects me and suddenly I can't live without him. I still cry at least once a week
I saw on his facebook he had posted a cartoon about a guy being surrounded by little floating hearts and he bats them away and says 'stupid bugs'.
his new Friend, whom I will call Eldorada, had liked it.
Which to me, was indisputably proof they were dating. (although if he posted it Saturday morning, and she liked it right away, they probably weren't in bed cuddling together...) But, pretty sure that means he can think about being in love again.
I looked Eldorada up. She's a graphic designer/artist. And skinny. So it seemed like I had been replaced with a more successful version of me. It stings.
And I cried all day.
Fortunately I left on my trip the next day, and was kept distracted by seeing friends and family.
I do want to move there but am so scared. It's smaller, harder to find work as an artist. Cheaper but still not comfortable. But I'd be able to get outside more, and driving/traffic wouldn't be so bad as the big city.
(Oh, my car is puffing blue smoke right now....I hope it's fixable. My mom estimated $1000 in repairs if the oil is leaking into the engine)
I saw a school friend on my trip, and she had a business proposition for me-- she wants to open an art studio with me as head teacher. That would be a good job for me, she'd do all the organizing and admin, and take on the financial risk. But it's just an idea right now, and six months away from being a reality, and maybe a year or two away from being a viable business...
But, it's tempting.
Nerdboy texted me while I was away, wanted to know if I'd go for a walk with him...I said I wasn't in town.
When I got back, my mom was talking about us living together for a long time....making plans to find a little house with a studio for me
My safety net is turning into a sticky spider's web.
Mom's house is overrun with mice and we are cleaning everything. Which is what I've wanted to do for a long time, I could just do without the mouse poop.
~~~
So, I'm not a virgin anymore (the one thing Nerdboy handled gracefully, the biggest gift he gave me) but I keep this blog going. I still feel my inexperience. This breakup is crushing, and I should have had my heart broken age 18 not 34.
Realizing that the thing I've wanted more than anything else in the world, probably these past 10 years, was a partner. And I would still go back, if Nerdboy reached out his hand, even though I can see more clearly what I want now.
A few people are messaging me on OKCupid, but nobody I'm excited about. One guy had the bluntest profile about what he wanted, and is not limiting himself to those in his geographic area. He's about 5 hours away from me, in the opposite direction from where I'd like to relocate. He shall be called Honest Abe, should his story continue any further.
I am still mooning over Faraway Crush, but not sure if I should write to him now or wait until I've actually moved to his city. I feel like he needs order in his life and I will be too chaotic, the way I was for Nerdboy.
~~~
You know what? I was starting to feel comfortable with sex, but there were still a few hangups. (I don't initiate it very easily, and Nerdboy and I did not have quite the sex life I was hoping for)
But the thought of having sex with what will be my second partner---terrifying. Like, it seems dangerous somehow.
Every other person on OKC seems to be into polyamory or something kinky. I'm pretty vanilla and I don't want to do that stuff. And I don't want to explain to someone else about the late virginity and the pain if not done right...
Almost entirely, my sexual experience is with Nerdboy and the thought of someone else doing those things isn't titillating, it's anxiety-inducing.
I saw on his facebook he had posted a cartoon about a guy being surrounded by little floating hearts and he bats them away and says 'stupid bugs'.
his new Friend, whom I will call Eldorada, had liked it.
Which to me, was indisputably proof they were dating. (although if he posted it Saturday morning, and she liked it right away, they probably weren't in bed cuddling together...) But, pretty sure that means he can think about being in love again.
I looked Eldorada up. She's a graphic designer/artist. And skinny. So it seemed like I had been replaced with a more successful version of me. It stings.
And I cried all day.
Fortunately I left on my trip the next day, and was kept distracted by seeing friends and family.
I do want to move there but am so scared. It's smaller, harder to find work as an artist. Cheaper but still not comfortable. But I'd be able to get outside more, and driving/traffic wouldn't be so bad as the big city.
(Oh, my car is puffing blue smoke right now....I hope it's fixable. My mom estimated $1000 in repairs if the oil is leaking into the engine)
I saw a school friend on my trip, and she had a business proposition for me-- she wants to open an art studio with me as head teacher. That would be a good job for me, she'd do all the organizing and admin, and take on the financial risk. But it's just an idea right now, and six months away from being a reality, and maybe a year or two away from being a viable business...
But, it's tempting.
Nerdboy texted me while I was away, wanted to know if I'd go for a walk with him...I said I wasn't in town.
When I got back, my mom was talking about us living together for a long time....making plans to find a little house with a studio for me
My safety net is turning into a sticky spider's web.
Mom's house is overrun with mice and we are cleaning everything. Which is what I've wanted to do for a long time, I could just do without the mouse poop.
~~~
So, I'm not a virgin anymore (the one thing Nerdboy handled gracefully, the biggest gift he gave me) but I keep this blog going. I still feel my inexperience. This breakup is crushing, and I should have had my heart broken age 18 not 34.
Realizing that the thing I've wanted more than anything else in the world, probably these past 10 years, was a partner. And I would still go back, if Nerdboy reached out his hand, even though I can see more clearly what I want now.
A few people are messaging me on OKCupid, but nobody I'm excited about. One guy had the bluntest profile about what he wanted, and is not limiting himself to those in his geographic area. He's about 5 hours away from me, in the opposite direction from where I'd like to relocate. He shall be called Honest Abe, should his story continue any further.
I am still mooning over Faraway Crush, but not sure if I should write to him now or wait until I've actually moved to his city. I feel like he needs order in his life and I will be too chaotic, the way I was for Nerdboy.
~~~
You know what? I was starting to feel comfortable with sex, but there were still a few hangups. (I don't initiate it very easily, and Nerdboy and I did not have quite the sex life I was hoping for)
But the thought of having sex with what will be my second partner---terrifying. Like, it seems dangerous somehow.
Every other person on OKC seems to be into polyamory or something kinky. I'm pretty vanilla and I don't want to do that stuff. And I don't want to explain to someone else about the late virginity and the pain if not done right...
Almost entirely, my sexual experience is with Nerdboy and the thought of someone else doing those things isn't titillating, it's anxiety-inducing.
Friday, 5 August 2016
lost and confused, so what else is new?
Let's see.... totally froze up at a job interview this week. hating myself because of it. I needed that job!
I'm still looking at moving, so I'm going to visit another city this weekend.
It's hard not knowing where to jump. Meanwhile, I've been at Mom's six months now, and no plans to get my own place. No plans, no funds.
I'm hardly working right now.
I reopened dating profile on OKC. No interesting messages. Depressing.
I hesitate to message people when I am thinking of leaving town....
Nerdboy...
I didn't talk to him for a month but I still had him on facebook. I saw he was having a hard time from a 'vaguebook' sad post, and started an online conversation with him. He was worried about his mom's health. He was really happy I'd reached out.
We didn't talk after that. I took his posts out of my newsfeed, but I still went to his page like a freakin' STALKER.
I could see he'd made some new female friends and was going nuts wondering if he was dating any of them. Three of them, and they comment on his posts all the time. And one day I got an invite from Nerdboy to a movie he knows I wouldn't like.... one of the new friends' names also starts with 'El...'
Did he click on the wrong person in sending the invite? I shouldn't even be wondering that.
I unfriended him.
And I went a little crazy not being able to check on him but it was probably for the best...
But I saw he was online one day about a week later and I said 'sorry i unfriended you'
which started a weird conversation where at one point he said 'I'm just not cool enough or interesting enough'
I was confused. "For a new job?"
"For anything. Or maybe I just don't know how to be happy"
I ended the conversation. I don't want to hear about his dating fails (which I think was what he meant by being uninteresting...) and if he has regrets about losing me...that just stirs things up. As you will read. I really should just stay away.
But I think it was the day after that, a friend request came in on facebook, from Nerdboy.
So I think we were not friends for a whole week.
At the same time, he sent me a message-- 'So I sent you a friend request and it can just wait until you're ready. Or you can delete it.'
A friend request hanging there from him would just have so much emotional weight to it. Why couldn't he just let me decide when I was ready to do that?
I just accepted it.
I was kinda thinking he wasn't dating any of those women, and missing me. Sigh! Ego.
I went to get some stuff of mine he still had. He came out from his house and loaded up my car. He had all these little gifts for me- fresh cooking and frozen berries.
I said...Do you want to go for a walk?
He paled. 'I have a friend over...... another time?'
I got in the car. He went back in the house, pausing twice to look back at me.
When I got home I found out the friend was the other 'El' woman because she'd posted pictures of their dinner. She likes everything he posts on facebook and accepts all his 'Does anybody want to do this thing with me?' open invites.
And he'd shared one of my environmental events, and because she likes everything he does, she'd said she was going.
Making them the two most clueless people on the planet.
Monday, 18 July 2016
small updates
My mom is back from England. I cleaned and cleaned but it doesn't look much better than when she left (unless you open cupboards.)
The house is in bad shape. There was a mouse infestation, although I think that mostly been cleaned up.
When Nerdboy and I were discussing why we broke up, the harshest thing that came out was "I work full time, I jog, and I do the chores. Why can't you get it done?"
The fact that I spent 4 times as many hours as him commuting a week aside, there was some truth in it. I don't have it together. Maybe it comes from my parents, neither were good housekeepers and I grew up always ashamed of my house. When I was a teenager I started to deep clean but I had to work around emotional resistance from other family members.
I feel like cleaning Mom's house is cleaning away all that past stuff that's weighing on my family.
~~~
I did talk to Nerdboy last week. Just two days short of a month of silence. I stalked his facebook page and saw that he was having a bad time so I messaged him. He was worried about his mother's health, she had skin cancer, and was awaiting results on her treatment. He was really thankful that I had reached out. The next day he updated me that his mother's health was clear.
I had a hard time living alone while Mom was travelling, and I miss him badly. But I don't think I could go back.
I have a feeling we're not quite done with each other, but hopefully with some time we can be friends
~~~
Walrus (my first boyfriend) followed me on Instagram and I found out he's in a relationship. Is it bad that I was surprised? When I was dating him his medical issues were too much to handle.
I did try to look up who she was, but couldn't find anything but one photo. Looks cute.
~~~
Ok, remember I tried online dating? I wrote to one guy, Silver Fox, but he had just got back together with his ex. But we added each other on Twitter. I stopped thinking about him, until he commented on one of my tweets about the upcoming arts festival we both work at. I started to get excited I would meet him. Not expecting anything to happen, but even a new friend, a new male friend, is pretty rare.
So I spotted him on Friday at the very end of the night as I was leaving and I walked past him. Because I'm shy, I guess. My whole body got the shivers.
Saturday night I got stationed in the same section as him. I could see him across the road. I was watching him, he was watching me (but we both had our jobs to do) Finally he came over and introduced himself and shook my hand. There was some awkward conversation but he was friendly.
Oh, and I was facepainted to look like a raccoon. Because, I just can't be normal with a normal life.
Anyways, that was sort of a non-event, I think he's still with his girlfriend. It doesn't hurt to be on his radar if it doesn't work out....haha. I'm not really serious about this crush, but it felt good to be excited about new possibilities. He studies philosophy, so I guess I'm looking for a deep thinker as a response to Nerdboy's pop culture addiction.
Funny to think I've probably walked by him dozens of times, we've both done this festival for ten years...
~~~
The house is in bad shape. There was a mouse infestation, although I think that mostly been cleaned up.
When Nerdboy and I were discussing why we broke up, the harshest thing that came out was "I work full time, I jog, and I do the chores. Why can't you get it done?"
The fact that I spent 4 times as many hours as him commuting a week aside, there was some truth in it. I don't have it together. Maybe it comes from my parents, neither were good housekeepers and I grew up always ashamed of my house. When I was a teenager I started to deep clean but I had to work around emotional resistance from other family members.
I feel like cleaning Mom's house is cleaning away all that past stuff that's weighing on my family.
~~~
I did talk to Nerdboy last week. Just two days short of a month of silence. I stalked his facebook page and saw that he was having a bad time so I messaged him. He was worried about his mother's health, she had skin cancer, and was awaiting results on her treatment. He was really thankful that I had reached out. The next day he updated me that his mother's health was clear.
I had a hard time living alone while Mom was travelling, and I miss him badly. But I don't think I could go back.
I have a feeling we're not quite done with each other, but hopefully with some time we can be friends
~~~
Walrus (my first boyfriend) followed me on Instagram and I found out he's in a relationship. Is it bad that I was surprised? When I was dating him his medical issues were too much to handle.
I did try to look up who she was, but couldn't find anything but one photo. Looks cute.
~~~
Ok, remember I tried online dating? I wrote to one guy, Silver Fox, but he had just got back together with his ex. But we added each other on Twitter. I stopped thinking about him, until he commented on one of my tweets about the upcoming arts festival we both work at. I started to get excited I would meet him. Not expecting anything to happen, but even a new friend, a new male friend, is pretty rare.
So I spotted him on Friday at the very end of the night as I was leaving and I walked past him. Because I'm shy, I guess. My whole body got the shivers.
Saturday night I got stationed in the same section as him. I could see him across the road. I was watching him, he was watching me (but we both had our jobs to do) Finally he came over and introduced himself and shook my hand. There was some awkward conversation but he was friendly.
Oh, and I was facepainted to look like a raccoon. Because, I just can't be normal with a normal life.
Anyways, that was sort of a non-event, I think he's still with his girlfriend. It doesn't hurt to be on his radar if it doesn't work out....haha. I'm not really serious about this crush, but it felt good to be excited about new possibilities. He studies philosophy, so I guess I'm looking for a deep thinker as a response to Nerdboy's pop culture addiction.
Funny to think I've probably walked by him dozens of times, we've both done this festival for ten years...
~~~
Tuesday, 28 June 2016
Cocoon
Just a quick update, as I'm overwhelmed and need to gather my thoughts.
I closed OKCupid (temporarily), but think of opening it at least once a day
I haven't been in contact with Nerdboy for a whole two weeks. Also hard to resist contacting him.
TMI, but I have no sexual desire right now. But I would sell my grandmother for some affectionate cuddling....
My sister has moved out of Mom's and into her new townhouse, taking a whole bunch of chaos with her. My mother left early this morning for a trip to Europe.
I am alone in Mom's house for the next three weeks. I have to look after the old dog, and the plants and fish tank. Should be easy enough, except the house is a mess. I plan to do some deep cleaning this week, starting with the kitchen.
This past weekend, being my grandfather's funeral, my sister's move and Mom's packing for her trip, was Peak Stress, accentuated by The Ear Incident, in which my sister's young puppy bit a chunk off her old dog's ear while we were out of the house. Came home to blood and fur everywhere. I felt we were an extremely dysfunctional family. The old dog (15 years old) is not recovering well, seems to have lost some of the will to live, but maybe it's just the painkillers making her dopey. My poor sister.
I am pretty much unemployed except for the third week in July, but applied for a job in recycling and weirdly enough, am being considered. (I'm an artist who volunteers in environmental issues. Art for pay, garbage for fun. It's a bit backwards) So, that would be a huge change and would really shake up my quiet hermitage here at Mom's.
I have such high hopes that I will use this down time to sort out some things and pick a new direction in life. Maybe find a place to live, exercise, eat right, start making some art...
It's a lot of pressure. There's a high chance I'll watch a lot of home decorating shows in between cleaning out five years of accumulated crap at Mom's. (Some of which I left behind when I moved out three years ago, so I owe her at least some cleaning)
The little car I bought has a bunch of small problems, the most fun being the car alarm randomly going off for no reason. I still don't drive it much, very shaky with shifting gears.
2016 just seems a year of general shakiness for the world, for so many close to me. And for me personally. Well, maybe a new world of recycling is opening to me, although I'm trying not to get my hopes up.
I closed OKCupid (temporarily), but think of opening it at least once a day
I haven't been in contact with Nerdboy for a whole two weeks. Also hard to resist contacting him.
TMI, but I have no sexual desire right now. But I would sell my grandmother for some affectionate cuddling....
My sister has moved out of Mom's and into her new townhouse, taking a whole bunch of chaos with her. My mother left early this morning for a trip to Europe.
I am alone in Mom's house for the next three weeks. I have to look after the old dog, and the plants and fish tank. Should be easy enough, except the house is a mess. I plan to do some deep cleaning this week, starting with the kitchen.
This past weekend, being my grandfather's funeral, my sister's move and Mom's packing for her trip, was Peak Stress, accentuated by The Ear Incident, in which my sister's young puppy bit a chunk off her old dog's ear while we were out of the house. Came home to blood and fur everywhere. I felt we were an extremely dysfunctional family. The old dog (15 years old) is not recovering well, seems to have lost some of the will to live, but maybe it's just the painkillers making her dopey. My poor sister.
I am pretty much unemployed except for the third week in July, but applied for a job in recycling and weirdly enough, am being considered. (I'm an artist who volunteers in environmental issues. Art for pay, garbage for fun. It's a bit backwards) So, that would be a huge change and would really shake up my quiet hermitage here at Mom's.
I have such high hopes that I will use this down time to sort out some things and pick a new direction in life. Maybe find a place to live, exercise, eat right, start making some art...
It's a lot of pressure. There's a high chance I'll watch a lot of home decorating shows in between cleaning out five years of accumulated crap at Mom's. (Some of which I left behind when I moved out three years ago, so I owe her at least some cleaning)
The little car I bought has a bunch of small problems, the most fun being the car alarm randomly going off for no reason. I still don't drive it much, very shaky with shifting gears.
2016 just seems a year of general shakiness for the world, for so many close to me. And for me personally. Well, maybe a new world of recycling is opening to me, although I'm trying not to get my hopes up.
Thursday, 23 June 2016
Am I ready to date?
Two posts in one day, decided to split the topics.
So, Nerdboy is still on the fringes of my life, although I'm trying to ignore him. That's in the previous post. This one concerns a decision.
I have an online dating account open on OKCupid.
I had a bit of a crush on someone's profile, from a city two hours away, but didn't write because it seemed impractical to meet. Meanwhile, a chubby photographer messaged me ( I often search for people who list 'environment' as an interest. His profile mentions 'a safe environment' and I kept forgetting. So he saw that I had visited more than once and got excited) and that conversation has been going for two weeks. I'm not particularly interested but I have no reason to reject him. I think he would have asked to meet me already but my grandfather died and he's being respectful of that.
So then Faraway Crush closed his account, and Photographer didn't message for a few days, and I panicked or something and sent my first message to someone else, who we will call Silver Fox.
(So, so cute). And he wrote back the next day and said he was back with his ex but was open to talking as friends. So I wrote something back to be polite, and he wrote back a fairly chatty message. Turns out we have two arts organizations in common, not sure how we hadn't already met. And I wrote back again, and he didn't answer all week. I was not surprised. I was a little uncomfortable that he still had a dating profile up while in the tender stages of reconciliation He did edit it to say he was unavailable, I guess he didn't know how to change the setting to 'seeing someone' instead of 'single'.
And then yesterday I got a message from Silver Fox saying, this is a drag, you seem interesting, but my girlfriend wants me to close my account. She's okay with me messaging people, just not through OKC. Here's my email and Twitter.
Why are boys so dumb? SO, SO DUMB.
Anyways, we follow each other on Twitter now and I have fantasies about his relationship not working out and me stepping in....Not really though. I want somebody's second chance to work, even if mine didn't.
So.
I haven't heard from Photographer in a few days.
No one else is messaging me.
Either I close the account or I start messaging some people.
I really want to date again. Even though dating is the seventh level of hell.
But I have no place to live, no steady job, want to lose 5 more pounds...want to be more dateable first.
I don't know.
I check OKC obsessively.
The two profiles I most like are in two different cities, both about 100 km away. One is across the border in the USA!
Am I picking unobtainable people on purpose?
I really really really want someone who cares about the environment and I'm surprised there's only a small handful, maybe 30 men in a 100 mile radius. It really narrows the dating pool.
How do i meet fellow greenies in real life?
So, Nerdboy is still on the fringes of my life, although I'm trying to ignore him. That's in the previous post. This one concerns a decision.
I have an online dating account open on OKCupid.
I had a bit of a crush on someone's profile, from a city two hours away, but didn't write because it seemed impractical to meet. Meanwhile, a chubby photographer messaged me ( I often search for people who list 'environment' as an interest. His profile mentions 'a safe environment' and I kept forgetting. So he saw that I had visited more than once and got excited) and that conversation has been going for two weeks. I'm not particularly interested but I have no reason to reject him. I think he would have asked to meet me already but my grandfather died and he's being respectful of that.
So then Faraway Crush closed his account, and Photographer didn't message for a few days, and I panicked or something and sent my first message to someone else, who we will call Silver Fox.
(So, so cute). And he wrote back the next day and said he was back with his ex but was open to talking as friends. So I wrote something back to be polite, and he wrote back a fairly chatty message. Turns out we have two arts organizations in common, not sure how we hadn't already met. And I wrote back again, and he didn't answer all week. I was not surprised. I was a little uncomfortable that he still had a dating profile up while in the tender stages of reconciliation He did edit it to say he was unavailable, I guess he didn't know how to change the setting to 'seeing someone' instead of 'single'.
And then yesterday I got a message from Silver Fox saying, this is a drag, you seem interesting, but my girlfriend wants me to close my account. She's okay with me messaging people, just not through OKC. Here's my email and Twitter.
Why are boys so dumb? SO, SO DUMB.
Anyways, we follow each other on Twitter now and I have fantasies about his relationship not working out and me stepping in....Not really though. I want somebody's second chance to work, even if mine didn't.
So.
I haven't heard from Photographer in a few days.
No one else is messaging me.
Either I close the account or I start messaging some people.
I really want to date again. Even though dating is the seventh level of hell.
But I have no place to live, no steady job, want to lose 5 more pounds...want to be more dateable first.
I don't know.
I check OKC obsessively.
The two profiles I most like are in two different cities, both about 100 km away. One is across the border in the USA!
Am I picking unobtainable people on purpose?
I really really really want someone who cares about the environment and I'm surprised there's only a small handful, maybe 30 men in a 100 mile radius. It really narrows the dating pool.
How do i meet fellow greenies in real life?
Wednesday, 22 June 2016
Nerdboy won't go away
Oh, what a month.
So, I ended it with Nerdboy in May. I bet he wouldn't go a week without contacting me. He did make it 8 days, then he just had to give me some random stuff he was getting rid of. And when I saw him, I realized I was mad at him. It was a short and awkward meeting.
But, I had given him a piece of my art that I needed to borrow for a show. So, I asked if I could pick it up the next day (Sunday).
Sunday I texted to let him know I had driven my new car (small victory, I hate driving stick) and was in his neighbourhood all day. He didn't answer. I was a bit concerned, but was distracted doing other things. Just as I was getting ready to leave, he texted back. He said he'd turned his phone to silent all day and 'disconnected from reality'. He said he needed a walk and would come to my studio. (uh, did you not get the part about me driving?)
I waited. What was going to happen? He arrived with the art piece, and he smelled of booze. He let me hug him. I expressed concern about his mental health, the drinking. He said it was the first time he'd fallen off the wagon, seemed to shrug it off.
I said I'd drive him home. (Because I'm still shaky with driving manual, I was a bit nervous about the busy street by the studio, so was glad to have him for that part.)
and I drove reasonably confidently and he was pleasantly surprised, and there we were, parked in front of his house (my old home)
And he said, Do you want to go get gelato?
so i went, even though I hadn't had dinner. (we left the car parked at his place and walked) And he said he felt very guilty that he'd hurt me twice.
I said I could have stood it all except seeing the dating profile.
And he didn't answer, and conveniently some cars honked at each other and the topic changed.
Somehow we agreed that even though we should be taking a break, we both wanted to be friends. And that he could come help at the aforementioned show on the following weekend.
Talk about emotional labour- comforting the guy who broke your heart because he feels bad about breaking your heart. I felt stronger than him, actually.
At the show, following weekend- he helped set up on Friday, and was a but moody but helpful. I was going to sneak in some of his art to my booth but at the last minute he freaked out and wouldn't bring it. Saturday he showed up and was definitely in a weird mood but warmed up during the day, and went home and brought his art, and it did well, and everything seemed fine. We talked about going to dinner together but decided we were tired.
Sunday he was cheerful and in a quiet moment he decided to tell me a funny story about being hit on by older men on the internet. WAAAAAAAAH! I do not want to hear about his internet dating. I told him so and punched him in the arm. After that I wanted him to leave but he did not. Dammit,, I needed his van to unload or I would have sent him away.
He packed up everything efficiently, and it reminded me of many shows he's helped me with.
Back at my studio, everything put away, I hugged him goodbye, too long, and told he he had to leave, and burst out crying.
Monday he texted to ask if we were going to see a movie. (I guess I'd invited him weeks before on facebook, it was a special screening. I'd forgotten about it) I said I needed more time.
He said, I understand, I'll be here when you're ready.
And I've seen him once since then (another urgent dropoff of stuff) and he texted today that he saw me walking on the street.
So, I ended it with Nerdboy in May. I bet he wouldn't go a week without contacting me. He did make it 8 days, then he just had to give me some random stuff he was getting rid of. And when I saw him, I realized I was mad at him. It was a short and awkward meeting.
But, I had given him a piece of my art that I needed to borrow for a show. So, I asked if I could pick it up the next day (Sunday).
Sunday I texted to let him know I had driven my new car (small victory, I hate driving stick) and was in his neighbourhood all day. He didn't answer. I was a bit concerned, but was distracted doing other things. Just as I was getting ready to leave, he texted back. He said he'd turned his phone to silent all day and 'disconnected from reality'. He said he needed a walk and would come to my studio. (uh, did you not get the part about me driving?)
I waited. What was going to happen? He arrived with the art piece, and he smelled of booze. He let me hug him. I expressed concern about his mental health, the drinking. He said it was the first time he'd fallen off the wagon, seemed to shrug it off.
I said I'd drive him home. (Because I'm still shaky with driving manual, I was a bit nervous about the busy street by the studio, so was glad to have him for that part.)
and I drove reasonably confidently and he was pleasantly surprised, and there we were, parked in front of his house (my old home)
And he said, Do you want to go get gelato?
so i went, even though I hadn't had dinner. (we left the car parked at his place and walked) And he said he felt very guilty that he'd hurt me twice.
I said I could have stood it all except seeing the dating profile.
And he didn't answer, and conveniently some cars honked at each other and the topic changed.
Somehow we agreed that even though we should be taking a break, we both wanted to be friends. And that he could come help at the aforementioned show on the following weekend.
Talk about emotional labour- comforting the guy who broke your heart because he feels bad about breaking your heart. I felt stronger than him, actually.
At the show, following weekend- he helped set up on Friday, and was a but moody but helpful. I was going to sneak in some of his art to my booth but at the last minute he freaked out and wouldn't bring it. Saturday he showed up and was definitely in a weird mood but warmed up during the day, and went home and brought his art, and it did well, and everything seemed fine. We talked about going to dinner together but decided we were tired.
Sunday he was cheerful and in a quiet moment he decided to tell me a funny story about being hit on by older men on the internet. WAAAAAAAAH! I do not want to hear about his internet dating. I told him so and punched him in the arm. After that I wanted him to leave but he did not. Dammit,, I needed his van to unload or I would have sent him away.
He packed up everything efficiently, and it reminded me of many shows he's helped me with.
Back at my studio, everything put away, I hugged him goodbye, too long, and told he he had to leave, and burst out crying.
Monday he texted to ask if we were going to see a movie. (I guess I'd invited him weeks before on facebook, it was a special screening. I'd forgotten about it) I said I needed more time.
He said, I understand, I'll be here when you're ready.
And I've seen him once since then (another urgent dropoff of stuff) and he texted today that he saw me walking on the street.
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